3 and a Half Months

It seems almost hard to believe that we are sitting at 3 and a 1/2 months, particularly if you look at me - you'd scarcely know! Other than a few extra inches around my waist - I was 26" beforehand, was 27" at 9 weeks and am now 29" at 15 weeks - you'd scarcely know.

I actually find this a bit challenging at this point. I often feel guilty for indulging in rest times, particularly after the inertia of the first three months - I think 'Shouldn't I be making up for all that time when I couldn't do anything?!'. Thankfully Ez is quick to remind me that a) I'M PREGNANT, and that while I may not look it, there are so many important things going on inside that I have to remember that, and b) I have a lifestyle that affords me time if I need it, and instead of feeling guilty about it, I should take advantage and be thankful for that. It's difficult for me, however, as I tend to feel that I'm not doing enough. This has particularly magnified itself for me since so many things changed in my career after 'Jake' ended and I sort of lost the plan after a while. I got tired of trying to do 50,000 extra things that felt like they'd never paid off and I am only now getting the thoughts in my head again about returning to my former work ethic - although my baby's growth seeks to somewhat impede that initiative!

I have certainly had a lot of time to contemplate how my life will change after the baby comes and how my time management will be so much different. It seems from watching friends that there is so little time left for you I wonder how I will ever make it happen - and yet, I know that you just do; that's the beauty of being a parent, the wonder of it all is how you manage to completely alter your entire life around something you never had before and it somehow seems like it was always there. I look forward to the ways in which being a mother will change me, and I hope, make me a better, more thoughtful person. It's amazing to me how much it changes you, and it is also astonishing how different it is for everyone.

Everytime I feel a tiny flutter of movement, I am astounded by the magic of what I am doing, being and creating. It feels like a miracle that you should shout from the rafters - and yet, it seems everyone has already done it and it is equally amazing how quickly the sheen seems to wear off. In talking to a friend that other day about it, I really saw how far beyond the 'magic' of pregnancy she was. She seemed to have little patience for my wonder for she is in the throes of finding daycare, finding time, finding her way as a woman again - and yet, I remember clearly how amazing it all was for her when she was pregnant - particularly since I had not yet experienced it and was so eager to soak up all the things I longed to feel. It seems like a small sadness that comes, eventually, the way it always does with wondrous experiences, the way the honeymoon wears off. I know that it exists out there, in the future, but I still am living in the romance and wonder of it all, for as long as I can. If I can set one goal for myself as a mother, it will be to try my best through all the sleepless nights and restless days to really absorb the fact that those moments of wonder and awe and bliss will be so fleeting, and that real life, as it is wont to do, will come calling again soon. It is a particular challenge of life, I think, not just pregnancy and motherhood. Already I find myself growing annoyed with the frequent late-night trips to the loo, with feeling depleted, unmotivated. I can see ahead to the time when I will desperately want my body back - and still, I am managing to find moments when I say to myself 'Look how fast it went already! It will be over so soon - breathe this! absorb this! live this!' But, as with all lessons in life, it is hard won, and I must challenge myself with it daily.