17 weeks and 4 days! Amazing! Although, by looking at the pictures one might think that I've just been using the same ones over and over again. Four and a half months pregnant and still looking pretty trim, if I do say so myself! My midwife has assured me that it is not unusual that I have not gained any weight but for a few pounds - that I shouldn't expect that to happen til closer to six months. I'm actually just fine with that, as I was always worried that I'd be one of those women who would blow up like a salted ham once I got pregnant, so I am relieved and happy that things have been going so well. I have been feeling the tiny flutters for weeks and on Monday night, driving home from class I felt the first sharp wallop of my pregnancy. It felt like the baby elbowed me in the belly as if to say 'Hey! Get me some food!' It was an astonishing feeling. The clothes are starting to not fit quite as well and the selections from the closet continue to dwindle as I search for stretchy and comfy. I haven't had the heart to get into the maternity purchasing yet - it feels a little ridiculous even standing in the store. Much as in prenatal yoga, where I look like an imposter, I feel like people must be wondering about this girl standing goggle-eyed in front of the nursing/maternity bra section, slack-jawed and shaking. I don't even know where to begin, the whole notion of buying all these things seems overwhelming. I keep hearing the words of my friend Tracy's mom, telling her that had they needed everything that people tell us we need now, the kids might have died - for they had very little of the extras. I'm so far doing well at resisting the temptation to buy heated baby-wipe kits or glossy mothering magazines that make you feel like a deficient mother before you've even had your child. So far I'm doing well living in the now and being thankful for such an uneventful and easy pregnancy and preparing myself for the arduous journey of giving birth (breathe, squat, kegel, breathe, squat, kegel). In the store yesterday I turned from a display of a million things I likely don't need and right behind me a woman was taking a tiny baby from a sling - only a week old - and I nearly burst right into tears there, just thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold our child, to see our tiny little hands and feet and live in the amazement of watching them live.
I haven't been completely zen, however - I'm sure you are shocked to hear. When I express fears Ez says 'Why let the devil hear you say that?' - but I have expressed concerns over the testing - the first round of which I did yesterday in the Triple Screen test. I've been meditating for weeks about the test, about just wanting it to tell the truth (there is a high incidence of false positives) while telling the baby 'You are gonna be just fine'. I've done my affirmations, and visualized hearing them say the our test came out just fine, but if I were honest (and let's face it, I can be brutally so) I am still frightened. I have come to love this little baby more and more with each passing day and it has been such a dilemma already to think of the what-if's. I don't want to hear anything but what I have been meditating on, I don't want to not have this baby for any reason. We dream of this child every day; have dreamed of their birth, their first days, how they will smell and how they will feel in my arms and at my breast. And so, what I have really seen is that now matter what happens, I am already a mother, because I have learned to worry about my child. Needlessly, I'm sure, for my child will be perfect and healthy and will change the world as we know it. But still, you know, a mother worries.
No comments:
Post a Comment