WEEK 12 - 3 months!

So, in grand (okay, maybe not so grand) opposition to the 'limbo' period about which I spoke last time, today we suddenly discovered our first real visible signs, things that felt more tangible. And as you so often hear from women (with more to come, I know) it seems like I just popped in the last day or two. Not a huge pop, but our first 'real' pop - and it feels good! I can honestly say that I never imagined that Ez talking about me having 'love handles' would feel quite so thrilling.

He's actually the one who really noticed today. We were walking along the seawall at Ambleside in West Vancouver, on a beautiful fall afternoon, the kind that makes you almost understand the astronomical real estate prices. I was standing there in the breeze of this gorgeous day, pointing out how you could see the spectre of Mount Baker, caked in snow between the spires of the Lion's Gate Bridge, when suddenly Ez said "I can see it!" - and sure enough, you really could. It seems more convex, and the curve of my belly starts higher up, in a place that might have previously induced me to freak out. But not today! Today, when we looked at that gentle arc, we felt like we could see our baby for the first time, and it felt wonderful!

It's funny too, that he's the one who noticed, even more that I, who has been looking so diligently. He is also the one who noticed (how did I not?) that my belly-button has changed. My usual half-jigger divot (courtesy of an over-zealous surgeon during a hernia operation at age 10) has halved itself again, flattened out across its bottom, and my little bangle that I use to sort of disguise this trait sits just a little further out at the bottom. It's small, a tiny baby step, but it is great to finally see those little things you've awaited. We know it will all go quickly, that someday my growing belly will seem less novel than uncomfortable, but for now, it means that things are going along as planned, and that we are dancing our way through the amazing waltz that will bring us our son or daughter.

11 week pictures

11 weeks and counting

So, 11 weeks! And so freakin' busy I can barely keep track! I've booked another movie, a gig on 'Supernatural' and am keeping up with auditions and voicework - it's all I can do to stay awake past 9:30 pm - which they tell me will pass. I've been really tired but it is great to be working and also that Ez is working. He got himself an audition and then booked a recurring bad guy/stunt-actor in a great new series called 'Traveler' - he even said his first line in the last episode - a big milestone for him! It looks like the universe is being very kind to us lately, and we are very grateful and happy.

Things are moving along, although it feels a little like the limbo I talked about before - not much to show yet, as you can see by the photos, but the intial 'shock and awe' has kind of worn off and so we're just waiting for the first signs, our first ultrasound pictures (that 10 weeks baby pic is not ours!) and our first 'quickening' which we anitcipate with bated breath. Other than some bizarre food aversions (chocolate!? who could have seen that coming?) and a few weeks of feeling truly gross, I can honestly say that the fatigue has been the worst of it, so I feel I could hardly complain. I'm feeling all around pretty happy and lucky and we just wait for the next sign from our little one.

10 weeks for real! I'm a fetus now!

So, 10 weeks for real this time! Very exciting, all things considered! It seems like one more small milestone, one more chance to breathe a little more and and hope a little more. So what's going on in there this week?

Well, our little Yukon baby has got 20 tiny baby tooth buds, and in addition to little wrists and ankles, they have little fingers and toes you could see. Genitals have begun to form - crazy to think this baby is already one or the other - but we'll all have to wait til the end to find out (we like surprises!). The lungs are developing still as well as the stomach and intestines which have moved into its abdomen. And the tiny little heart is almost developed. Which might explain why I feel so emotional - now I have two hearts!

stuck in 1st trimester limbo

So, I did recover from the other day's disappointment (as I have from all others in life!) but it was really so disconcerting.

I kept saying it was like having to repeat the third grade or something. But here we are, again on the eve of week 10 (didn't we already do this??) when we go from embryo to fetus which is yet another small milestone. It's so funny to be counting days and then you speak to someone, like my friend Marsha whose sons both just left for university and you see how time compresses and how eventually, all this will seem a distant memory.

I remember having a similar feeling when we cut together all the old super-8 footage from Ez's childhood and his trip to the Philippines. There they all were, Ez with his little overalls criss-crossed in the front , still learning to walk. Pat and Lolita somewhere near where we are now, young, struggling with small children and all the perils of that period of life. Lolita, always beautiful, shines out at us with the brown-skinned glory of a young mother, leaning against a red car that would now be considered a classic. Cindy, now a mother of a four- and a two-year old, wobbles back and forth on a hobby horse that would never past safety standards in this litigious day and age. And now, everyone is grown and it is as though someone threw a switch and transported them all to now, for we cannot see all the years in between.

And so it seems so silly to be sitting here counting days, even mourning days seemingly 'lost' when it will all pass in the blink of an eye.

This is the limbo time, the transition period. I'm still barely pregnant, not out of the woods, not yet showing. The initially vibrant and overwhelming joy has muted itself - we've gotten used to the idea, now we're just waiting till the next stage. And so because I cannot feel my baby, have yet to hear its tiny poppy-seed heart, I am stuck in the land of wondering what it will all be like. Everywhere I look I see babies and pregnant women and children, in numbers I had not previously imagined. When I see them I think 'Look! They all did it! It's fine!' and yet still it doesn't quell the unrest of this time. I look so forward to the first time I hold this child in my arms, hear its indignant wail at being born, bask in the infinite glory that will be our own small miracle and right now all I can see is that the time will pass so quickly and become the everyday. I hear my brother moaning in the phone as his two-year old son Brody managed to pee all over his new floors and I hear in his voice how the wonder wears off and becomes real life. And it's not that I bemoan that, per se, I just wonder how to keep a piece of this wonderous time, this time right now when everything is hope and joy and miracle. Perhaps that is the essence of parenting - living in the everyday, while somehow keeping a tiny window open on the time when it was still only joy.

we have a discrepancy in weeks

Hmmmm,

Today the doctor's office called and she thinks I'm less pregnant than I think. I feel unhappy about this and have decided not to listen as I can't bear to lose any days. The way I see it, July 2nd was day 1. That makes 76 days (nearly 11 weeks) or 10 weeks and 4 days. Not 9 weeks 4 days as she says. I think she's wrong. I don't like her system. I'm not listening. Finally we got some happy thoughts from someone - the doctor at the appointment (my discrepancy is with the receptionist) said that once you get past 8 weeks that is a good sign and then 10 weeks is very good. Before that is more touch and go, but once you get this far, things tend to carry on and I liked to hear that instead of the doom-and-gloom approach we had been getting. You'd think almost no one had had a pregnancy happen the way people talk about it, it's shocking.

I need to see this played out in numbers....bear with me...

July 2-8 1 week
July 9-15 2 weeks
July 16-22 3 weeks
July 23-29 4 weeks
July 30-Aug5 5 weeks
Aug 6-12 6 weeks
Aug 13-19 7 weeks
Aug 20-26 8 weeks
Aug 27- Sep 2 9 weeks
Sep 3-9 10 weeks

Oh shit.

I guess I do see it. This is day 4 of my 10th week, which is different from 10 weeks 4 days. So I guess it is 9 weeks and 4 days. But still it is my 10th week! Right? Hmmmm. I don't like this at all. It's like when you first find out you get these 2 bonus weeks you knew nothing about - like really every woman is walking around 2 weeks pregnant - and then suddenly you're not as pregnant as you thought. And you're so scared because all anyone seems to intimate is that you could lose your baby at any second - it's awful and scary and frightening. No one seems to talk about he 75% of pregnancies that go just fine. That 25% looms over you until you get to the second trimester - which feels like forever away - especially when you suddenly lose time.

I feel like a little kid again, the way they always push their ages ahead, like they can't wait to grow up. Ask how old they are and they'll say "6 and 3/4" or "almost 10!" - I guess I've fallen prey to that because I just want so badly for everything to go well. So I guess I'm not 10 weeks and 4 days. I'm only 9 weeks 4 days. And still not out of the woods. I want to cry for no real reason, just that empty feeling like when you look at your bank statement and there's way less money than you thought. It's fine, I know, we're still fine and growing and we just have to be patient. But damn! I hate when numbers are right...