16 weeks and counting!

Well, here we are, 4 months and 2 days. It seems crazy to think we are that far along when those first weeks seemed to have taken forever. When we would look at the pictures of 6, 8 even 10 week fetuses and see how vulnerable and bizarre they were. Now when we look at pictures we see little faces, tiny fingers which can flex and grasp, knees, feet...we could even see genitals -IF we were so inclined (so far we're still leaning towards 'no'). Pregnancy has already been such an amazing journey and I feel so fortunate to be experiencing it for myself. I am diligently trying to appreciate every day of it, the wonder of it all, as every day brings something new.

Lately it's been bringing more tired, less room! I notice then when I bend over to get something, I have the inevitable 'oomph' that accompanies the motion, and my belly no longer cracks along the middle to accomodate the bend. I've gained 5 inches around my very middle and I can feel the general thickening of my torso, although I still look practically normal in my clothes - albeit they fit a bit tighter! I seem to have regained my appetite and am craving very warming, homey foods like roast beef and gravy, indian food, breads and butters. Still my sweet tooth remains in hibernation (not a bad thing) and the aversions of the early months seem to have abated, to my great relief. I'm not used to being a fussy eater!

I continue to be quite tired, and I feel like I should have moved on from that. I have trouble giving myself the permission to live in the tired, I feel like I should be up and out there and like my old self, but I have been persistently exhausted, making that somewhat more difficult. Right now my heart is racing a bit, and if I get up too fast, I feel dizzy and light. So I'm trying to take it easy, take my time, enjoy the last months and days of the freedom I have to do that. I'm doing a fair amount of pre-natal yoga, working my way up gradually to more. I feel like it is the best preparation for birth possible; breathing through discomfort, pushing through pain, stretching, making room, relaxing, meditating. I feel myself opening up to all the possibilities for my future as a woman, a mother, for us as a family...

A family. Our very own family. What a wonderful gift.

3 and a Half Months

It seems almost hard to believe that we are sitting at 3 and a 1/2 months, particularly if you look at me - you'd scarcely know! Other than a few extra inches around my waist - I was 26" beforehand, was 27" at 9 weeks and am now 29" at 15 weeks - you'd scarcely know.

I actually find this a bit challenging at this point. I often feel guilty for indulging in rest times, particularly after the inertia of the first three months - I think 'Shouldn't I be making up for all that time when I couldn't do anything?!'. Thankfully Ez is quick to remind me that a) I'M PREGNANT, and that while I may not look it, there are so many important things going on inside that I have to remember that, and b) I have a lifestyle that affords me time if I need it, and instead of feeling guilty about it, I should take advantage and be thankful for that. It's difficult for me, however, as I tend to feel that I'm not doing enough. This has particularly magnified itself for me since so many things changed in my career after 'Jake' ended and I sort of lost the plan after a while. I got tired of trying to do 50,000 extra things that felt like they'd never paid off and I am only now getting the thoughts in my head again about returning to my former work ethic - although my baby's growth seeks to somewhat impede that initiative!

I have certainly had a lot of time to contemplate how my life will change after the baby comes and how my time management will be so much different. It seems from watching friends that there is so little time left for you I wonder how I will ever make it happen - and yet, I know that you just do; that's the beauty of being a parent, the wonder of it all is how you manage to completely alter your entire life around something you never had before and it somehow seems like it was always there. I look forward to the ways in which being a mother will change me, and I hope, make me a better, more thoughtful person. It's amazing to me how much it changes you, and it is also astonishing how different it is for everyone.

Everytime I feel a tiny flutter of movement, I am astounded by the magic of what I am doing, being and creating. It feels like a miracle that you should shout from the rafters - and yet, it seems everyone has already done it and it is equally amazing how quickly the sheen seems to wear off. In talking to a friend that other day about it, I really saw how far beyond the 'magic' of pregnancy she was. She seemed to have little patience for my wonder for she is in the throes of finding daycare, finding time, finding her way as a woman again - and yet, I remember clearly how amazing it all was for her when she was pregnant - particularly since I had not yet experienced it and was so eager to soak up all the things I longed to feel. It seems like a small sadness that comes, eventually, the way it always does with wondrous experiences, the way the honeymoon wears off. I know that it exists out there, in the future, but I still am living in the romance and wonder of it all, for as long as I can. If I can set one goal for myself as a mother, it will be to try my best through all the sleepless nights and restless days to really absorb the fact that those moments of wonder and awe and bliss will be so fleeting, and that real life, as it is wont to do, will come calling again soon. It is a particular challenge of life, I think, not just pregnancy and motherhood. Already I find myself growing annoyed with the frequent late-night trips to the loo, with feeling depleted, unmotivated. I can see ahead to the time when I will desperately want my body back - and still, I am managing to find moments when I say to myself 'Look how fast it went already! It will be over so soon - breathe this! absorb this! live this!' But, as with all lessons in life, it is hard won, and I must challenge myself with it daily.

14 weeks pictures

4 inches and nothing to show for it!

Another small step for Keegan and Ez, one giant step for baby. Finally, we made it to the second trimester! A funny, seeminly elusive goal that sometimes felt like it was taking double the time to get to, but here we are, just another day. We have looked forward to this time and you just feel like you can breathe a little easier. Many people wait until now to tell loved ones and friends, but as you know, we were not among the waiters!! Ez was practically standing on the street corner with a sign, that's how many people he told. I, on the other hand have been more reticent, in particular within the industry, for fear they won't bring me in for normal roles right now, even though, as evidenced by the photos, I'm really not showing! In fact, I'm showing less than I was at 12 weeks. If one didn't know the good news, you'd never know from looking, which for now, suits me just fine as I need to work as long as possible since I do not qualify for mat-leave (the joys of being 'self-employed' and having a union that does nothing to help).

I'm feeling a lot better, although as soon as I say I don't need naps anymore, I crash like a brick for two hours, face down on the couch. So maybe that claim is a bit pre-emptive. I am finally eating again, weeks 9-13 were a bit sqeamish on the food side of things, but I am starting to get my appetite back again, especially at night.

And--
You can call me crazy, but I swear I felt the flutters of the baby's movement. They do say trim women can feel it this early, although for most it's another few weeks, but I have now twice felt the same tiny ripple down near the bottom of my belly, and I feel like I just know it to be different than all the other feelings, like a sign in a language that I didn't know I knew - I can read it as our baby. It's brief, like a kiss on the cheek, but it's there and I'm filing it away into this wonderful box into which I am storing all these wonderful moments - finding out, telling Ez, hearing the heartbeat, the first tiny flutters.

It's Thanksgiving weekend for us, there is no doubt. And we have much to be thankful for.

The most beautiful sound in the world...so far

Yesterday was our first midwifery appointment, something we'd been anxiously awaiting. Jill and Elika, her midwifery student came to our home, which is a wonderful benefit of havng a midwife and we had our first little check-up. All is well, according to them, the uterus is where it should be and I'm starting to feel less exhausted and the nausea of weeks 9-12 seems to have largely passed. It wasn't even really that bad, I feel enormously fortunate about that!

So we talked and chatted, asked questions, filled out forms - and then the moment of truth. A tiny machine, called a Doppler, with a little mini ultrasound paddle comes out. Elika searches for a few moments (not as long as it felt, I'm sure) and after a few powerful whooshes, the sound of my own blood rushing through my veins, she found it - a little, rapid pulse of our baby's tiny little heart! It was like time stood still for me as this little staccato beat drummed out and it was all I could hear on earth - the sound of our child becoming real. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever heard in my life and I don't think I will ever forget that moment. Beat on little heart, we can't wait to hear more!