So finally, we had our hospital tour yesterday, something we had been unable to hook up for such a long time, I was anxious to get it done, to understand what there was available to me for the birth. I had phoned Lions Gate Hospital a few weeks ago about getting permission to set up a birthing tub there so that I could have the water birth that I have always talked about and though the woman I spoke with was very nice and I could tell she was unhappy to have to deliver the news, ultimately, I was told that the bottom line was 'No' that should I give birth in the hospital, a water birth was to be unavailable to me for a variety of reasons. I was really disappointed by that news, needless to say, and I was in a snit for hours, ranting about how this was supposed to be a progressive part of a progressive city in a progressive country in the 21st Century and how I couldn't believe that I couldn't have both a hospital and a water birth. With all the information I have been reading about birthing, all the books that were recommended to me by my midwives which detail how much more salubrious alternative birthing options are for the mother and the baby, I could not believe my ears. Granted, I am well aware of how much the conventional model of childbirth dominates the landscape, despite the fact that the more natural methods, while technically better for mother and baby, are not held to be the norm and in fact, are rarely discussed outside the mainstream. It seems that Canada is among the last of the industrialized nations in the modern world to embrace midwifery on the whole and so many women are unaware and uneducated about the options available as well as the risks involved with conventional births and their 'cascading intervention' scheme. I simply lament that more women are not getting this information and are not taking advantage of a wonderful experience with midwifery. I wonder how many women are really 'in the know' about conventional practices and if they are truly informed about the medical interventions so readily offered and accepted. I know that what I have learned through my midwives and through reading about the alternatives I would never have even heard of through traditional sources, including the traditional ob-gyn relationship, which typically (although certainly not always) highlights only the version which best suits this medical model and not the 'motherhood' model. This was clearly the case at LGH, even as they are actually a very midwifery-friendly hospital. I digress, but you can see why I felt so disappointed and dismayed.
The point of this whole rant being (other than truly wishing more women could at least be truly informed of the alternatives) that because I really wanted to have a water birth and was clearly not able to get one in hospital, I had begun to really embrace the notion of staying home and having what I wanted. Ez has been tremendously supportive and together, we began to feel that if I were going to remain home until 5-7cm, why not just stay home altogether as long as everything is going well. As the days went by, I began to look at the spot where we were thinking to put the pool and imagining my child being born into the calm and beautiful environment in which we live. I began to imagine lying in my own bed with my own sheets and pillows, using my own toilet and shower and kitchen. Having all the comforts of home available with the wonderful benefit of first class medical care in the form of my midwives. I began to really envision this birth as a possibility, something I had previously always danced around, somewhat the victim of conventional thinking myself. I can admit that the clicks and clucks I receive when I talk of a natural birth, not to mention a home birth, do make me wonder sometimes. Truly wrapping my head around a home birth I began to ask questions too, began to wonder if it was safe etc etc etc. So I did my homework, looked into what the stats say (home births are as safe or safer than hospital births, with only about 1% of births ever requiring emergency transport and most transports being of a non-emergency nature) asked questions of my midwife who has had 3 successful home births herself, two of which were in water ("I would never give birth on dry land again" - very convincing to me!) and I began to see that this was a very real option for me, for us. I could see it in my mind's eye - and I liked it.
When we had our midwifery appointment yesterday (also in my own home, something I love - to share coffee and muffins and sit on the couch like we're discussing a normal part of life, not a medical disease or clinical problem) and I was surprised and delighted to be informed by Gill that my phone call (leave it to me to be the squeaky wheel) has sparked the hospital to face the fact that times are changing and that they would have to form a real policy on this issue and recognize that women were going to begin to ask for it. I was informed that my timely phone call, in addition to some other pokings-around throughout the lower mainland had forced the issue somewhat, and that I was going to be able to have a water birth in hospital afterall - they would find a way to accommodate me and my request! I was really pleased to hear this, pleased that the ball was now rolling for my option and that of other women...
But I had really started thinking about this home birth. I liked what I'd heard and liked what I'd read and was beginning to sum up the courage to step outside the norm in such a monumental situation. We asked all the questions, really weighed our options and we said that we would go on the hospital tour and see how it felt, know what there was there for us and that we would still pack a bag for the hospital, not at all precluding that option either. So off we went - we sat through the information session, surrounded by other couples juggling coffees, rubbing bellies, taking notes. It was well done and informative, and we listened and heard what she had to say before heading up to the L&D ward to view the birthing rooms. The longer we were there, the more clinical the whole experience started to feel to me and the more uneasy I became with the idea of birthing there (other than the obvious fact that LGH has a reputation as wonderful care facility with excellent medical staff, an obviously integral and vital part of the experience). As we rounded a corner, trailing lazily behind the rest of the group, I heard Ez greeting someone and was surprised to look up and see Gillian Welsh, one of our midwives standing behind the nursing station, looking bright and hale in her pink scrubs. "What do you think?" she asked me, and the first thing that fell out of my mouth was "I think I'm having a home birth". And there it was.
It's all I have really been able to think about, it's really a very big change of course and I was never sure I would have the courage to do it (still don't technically, I won't hold myself to anything but what happens on the day) but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. I love the idea of waking up in my own bed with my beautiful new baby, of not sharing a room, of not being in a setting reserved generally for sick people. This is a wellness experience, and I want to live in all the gorgeousness of it in an environment that is conducive to that experience. I feel confident that the care I am receiving with my midwives is as good (in fact is the very same) as I would get in hospital and that they in all their years of experience and wisdom will guide me through this with care and caution and that we will do whatever ultimately is best for baby. I feel thrilled at the thought of going to bed with our newborn babe, with all the beauty and triumph and energy of its arrival in our lives and knowing that we are home - all of us. I do feel truly blessed that Canada has begun to recognize midwifery and that I am able to take advantage of this option and I am trying to breathe through all the fears I have surrounding this birth. I am trying to believe in myself and my ability to birth this baby as women have done for millenia before me and to know that I possess a deep well of power that will support me, along with these people and my friends and loved ones and family and that we will have a beautiful, challenging, incredible birth experience. I know that it is a powerful and dynamic thing and we will see how the river flows on the day, but I feel really empowered by this decision and I have every hope that all will be as it should.
I keep thinking of one little moment from yesterday, we were lagging behind the group, and as they shuffled away from a window they had all looked into before following the tour nurse I stepped up and saw a tiny, tiny little baby in a layette. It was small but good and pink, hooked up to many machines and monitors and it flailed its little feet, toes so tiny they were like little beads. It stretched out its infinitely small hand, flexed its slivery fingers and touched its lips, as if blowing a tiny kiss. It caught my breath in my throat - does even now - as I thought to myself that it was likely the very same size that our baby is inside me right now. I imagined it had sent a kiss through this little soul to us, to me - saying "don't worry, we'll be just fine".
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