38.4 - Post Midwife Appointment

Another prenatal appointment today, everything is good, heartbeat 130, good position for baby (whew!) and all sorts of things going on on the inside. After a little examination Irene discovered that there had been quite a bit of change since last week's exam - my cervix, which had been pointed toward the back and was about 2-3 cm long had moved to the centre and thinned out to .5cm . Another stretch and sweep - very intense, and a very good test of my breathing techniques - revealed further softening and opening of the cervix. It looks like they are going to come back Friday, if I can handle it (I feel a little mixed about the whole thing!) and see how things are progressing then, perhaps another final SnS, and we'll see what that does. Irene assuaged my concerns about whether I was intervening in the process by saying that small interventions like these can really help avoid larger ones in labour and can also help shorten labour in general, something midwives have known and used for centuries. It's strange though - you're stuck in this limbo of waiting but then when you're faced with knowing things like this, with the possibility that this could be the beginning (heck, it's soon one way or the other) you can't help but feel a quickening of the heart, a rush of fear and excitement and energy and...more fear?
I almost wanted to cry, just to think how this is all becoming so real. Not only will I be soon experiencing one of the greatest physical challenges of my life, but soon, I will become a mother, I will meet my child, undergo the most ancient rite of passage know to woman. I feel overwhelmed and energized, excited and nervous. I feel a dense lump in my chest where all these emotions are hanging out, waiting to be released in turn. I cannot believe I find myself here, even though I know, I have known, we've been counting the days. I just cannot believe it is my turn, the same way I have felt during all the other major events of my life, most of which have been related to career or travel, or of course, to my marriage to Ez - although none of those events have carried this weight. All shows must end, every trip comes to a close and even marriage is something you can leave, but becoming a mother is indelible, it is a tattoo on your soul - it is who you will be forever. I know that something monumental is soon to happen that will alter the course of my life in ways I cannot imagine. I sit in advance of this with a sense of awe and respect and pride and fear and I know that there will never again be a time like this, like stepping onto the soil of another planet where everything is new. I sit quietly in this space and concentrate on the peace and health and goodness of what is to come. I have every confidence in the team that surrounds me, and I know that as with everything in life, Ez will be here, my stoic and unwavering support in all things. I know he will hold my hand and wipe my tears and that together we will live every second of this and be well.