Funny, I've heard a great deal about the supposed downside to becoming a mother and though I don't deny that there are moments, I have to say that I have surprisingly few complaints and I feel that despite numerous troubles and setbacks, I have remained remarkably upbeat and positive - especially for me, who tends toward the negative. I really feel so content and happy to be this little girl's mother and I am so proud of her and of us for this accomplishment. I feel like I should be bitching about not enough sleep and not a clean house and not enough social time, but I really am quite happy. Each new day brings some new little moment with her, a new smile or coo or sound, another 'a-ha' moment where mommy thinks 'I know what's going on here' (and she's right!), I find each day very rewarding. This is not to say that I won't eventually become bored with being home so much or being more tied to a schedule than i have ever been, but so far so good. I feel genuinely honoured and blessed by this experience, I am constant awe of having made this lovely little creature. I love to watch her sleep, watching her funny little faces, her mad dreams in which her eyes are half open and rolling back. I love the way her arms and legs twitch asunder - today I had placed a rattle of keys in her tiny little hand and in a fit of baby palsy she threw them halfway across the room, causing me to laugh uproariously and her to join in with me. One thing Ez and I have certainly noticed is that we have laughed a lot since we've had her, it's marvellous. She is the happiest part of every day for me and I am madly in love with my daughter.
I suppose that if I had to complain it would be that she grows so fast and that the little tiny baby moments passed so fast - even though I really was paying attention. I think there are also issues with trying to find the balance throughout the day - to hold her enough and engage her enough and yet try to find time to get things done, to find time for me. Email though...it's such a damned distraction. Yet another distraction is the whole work thing. While I would like to just be off, I am also torn as I am lucky enough to be in a very flexible industry (although sometimes so flexible you feel like you've been flung right out of it, but I digress...) I have been going out for voice auditions and that has been progressively less stressful (so far) as she has been very accommodating - and so has the industry. I have been fortunate to get some commercials which take very little time and I'm so thrilled to have that opportunity since I receive no mat-leave at all. Next week, however, I am going back to 'real' work on Battlestar Gallactica - and I am nervous as hell. Nervous that I won't be able to concentrate, that she'll be freaking out and who's going to be watching her and how will I get there on time and how long with the days be and will they find clothes that fit me (ok, that's a big complaint - what the hell happened there? I feel like I have retained half a baby still - nothing fits!!) etc etc etc . Certainly I am exceedingly fortunate to have them call up and offer me another episode and to be accomodating to the fact that I am a nursing mother of a very young baby - but still, I have guilt and fear about going back to work so soon - even if it is only for three days. Ahh...to have such complaints, non?
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