Well, three months have gone by so quickly, even though I really was paying attention, it's hard to see how fast the changes come until some new thing happens. This Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market in Trout Lake (awesome!) and I saw a woman with a 12 day old baby in her arms and I looked down at Nahanni and realized that I no longer have a newborn, I have a baby - when did that happen? I am happy that she is growing and learning but at the same time I want to keep her small forever, tiny and vulnerable in my arms. I love the way people smile at you when you have a new baby, the way you feel so wonderful and special. I remember Tracy saying 'Enjoy it, because soon you'll just be another person with a kid', and I see how it's true. I wonder where my little, little girl went so fast - she's so sturdy now (well, in comparison) and so much fatter - like a little sack of potatoes - pudgy beneath my fingers, no longer so thin and sharp as in those early days.
So far I have still been enjoying it very much, although the last few days I have begun to see the dark edges creeping in - just in the fact that I am starting to get bored by the end of the day, I run out of things to do with her and I start looking at the clock, waiting for Ez to get home, to have a bit of a break. She's still a remarkably good baby and I thank my lucky stars for that, but I do see that it can get tedious at times, that you want to start doing your own things, that you can get bored or tired and want your own time and space for a while. She has been a dream - I can move her, sleeping in her carseat, put her into the baby sling and go our for a few hours and put her, still sleeping, back into the carrier - so that obviously expands my personal horizons in terms of what I can do. She's sleeping wonderfully still, and the co-sleeper has been great, allowing us all to be together and for me to get some sleep on my own in whatever position I like - wonderful after the pregnancy and then the early weeks with her asleep on my chest. I think it was harder on me than it was on her - I thought she might cry and fuss, but she was sweet as candy as usual and it was only I who shed a tear putting her into the 'big girl' (hah) bed for the first time.
Last night was my first bad night for me, the insomnia that has plagued me in the past crept in last night when I woke to feed her at 3 am (I think this is the growth spurt of 3 months as she's been skipping that one for a while) - I just couldn't get back to sleep and worse still, I felt this horrible creeping sadness that I couldn't shake - it scared me, especially since I couldn't really identify it, where it came from, what it meant. I think perhaps it is tied to watching your child grow, you can't help but understand your own ageing and mortality in a new light. Perhaps it was that, perhaps I was just tired - I certainly hope it is not PPD, somthing which rightly terrifies me. So far I feel fine, I awoke to a beautiful, smiling baby and was happy to see her and be with her. I feel like things are going really well for us and we are quite content and so I sit in that space and concentrate on that. I know the blues will come here and there, and I hope they'll be few and far between
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