Okay, what the hell happened to my body??!? I know, I know - I just had a baby...can I still say that? At what point are you just holding on to that as an excuse - like 6 months after coming back from living abroad I was still saying 'I just came back from Europe' and it was pointed out to me that 'just' was no longer applicable. I am trying to give myself some leeway, some personal understanding and forgiveness especially considering that I have really only been on my feet and well for about 6 weeks, and considering it still is exhausting to me to walk up to the library - but still!
I watched a ludicrous show the other day in a fit of desperately lazy afternoon TV - something about Hollywood Baby Boom or some such nonsense about how much money stars spend on their showers ($40,000?) and baby wardrobes and nurseries and how 8 weeks later Heidi Klum was back on the Victoria's Secret runway and really, I just feel pissed off by it. I know that is neither politically correct to say nor terribly articulate but I must say that it is the boiled down truth. Watching it was a bit like watching a car accident; my masochistic side couldn't stop, it was morbidly fascinating. Clearly I am nowhere near getting into shape and though I am trying not to obsess about it, but I can feel that western woman self-loathing sadness creeping in when I go to yoga and see my fleshy self in those giant mirrors - the same mirrors where not so long ago I rejoiced in the rotundity of my curves. Now they feel like they should come with some sort of warning sign - Peligro! Mas gras!!
And to make matters worse, there's all the strange post-partum...oddities. I have made every effort to be completely honest and frank here, but I'm not sure I am ready yet to actually proclaim what's bothering me in that department. Needless to say, I'm not anxious to be explored in the nether regions. When my midwife asked me recently (well, if 6 weeks ago is recently...see! I 'just' had a baby??) if I had thought about contraception, I laughed and replied 'Contraception? I haven't even thought about sex!' Sad, but true - all these body issues, along with sleep deprivation and days that seem to only have 7 hours in them - I'm not really ready to board that train just yet. Sure, we've made several abortive attempts, interrupted for a variety of reasons, but really, I feel...well, strange. Not quite myself again yet. I also feel so completely attached to Nahanni, like she's with me all the time, how do you make the transition in the mind (and body) to being a sexual being again? How do you take these breasts which have fed and nourished her and turn off their mommy-ness and turn on their sexy-touch-me-ness? It's not an obvious transition - at least for me. I thing that the hardest part of the coming time for me as a woman will be balance - finding that magical sweet spot between being Nahanni's wonderful, loving and doting mother - and Keegan, a vibrant, open, sexual individual. As always, I am learning the balance - most wonderfully demonstrated last week in yoga - holding Nahanni in my arms, nursing, while I did standing poses - even warrior. I remember thinking - this is the embodiment of motherhood - somehow finding a way to balance without falling over or dropping your kid.
I'll let you know how I do.
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