I said before on this blog that having a child is what will make you feel most vulnerable in life - throwing yourself in front of a moving emotional vehicle. I learned today that trying to teach your young baby to sleep on their own is emotionally quite devastating.
Up to this point Nahanni has slept so well, I have felt so fortunate, almost wanting to whisper about it when people would ask, lest the gods hear and change my good fortune. Well, I guess they heard me whispering because lately I have begun to see that Nahanni didn't seem to sleep as well unless she...well, had a boob in her mouth. I guess nursing at night (which, truthfully, helped me survive the post-hemmhorage time and the bouts of mastitis) and nursing her to sleep during our naptime in the afternoons seem to have facilitated this for her - she had begun to flail and whimper if she woke without this comfort in her mouth and I began to get less and less sleep at night. It finally occurred to me that perhaps I was causing this by what I was letting her get used to and when I went looking around about this issue I discovered that there was a lot of talk about not doing this, that is was a dangerous road to travel, making it so that your child could not fall asleep on their own. Everywhere I looked the advice was the old 'cry it out' method of teaching your child to sleep and I have to tell you, I tried it today and it was like stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. My poor little girl had a very tough time of it, and really when I think about it, it isn't surprising. Here is a child that since the beginning has been rocked or nursed to sleep - and has slept very well and been quite contented - and suddenly I am expecting her to learn to do without this - and not protest vociferously? She's only four months old for cripes sake! Really? Is this what I should do? I put her in her crib when I knew she was tired this morning, I knew she was fed and clean - but she cried inconsolably until I had to give up and get her ready for an appointment. I rubbed her belly, I soothed and shook and sang and finally left - it was awful. We tried again for the afternoon nap and it was another frustrating episode that lasted almost two hours of intermittent sleeping, waking and crying - this is a little girl who doesn't give up easily. Again I tried it tonight - fed her, bathed her and read stories and sang to her and when I knew she was tired I tried to put her into her crib (with the intention of moving her back to the co-sleeper when I went to bed) and really - no dice. It was emotionally draining for everyone involved, especially Nahanni, who cried and cried and sobbed and gasped off and on for 2 more hours...really, really horrible. I kept feeling that this could not possibly be the way to maintain trust in this situation, to give her a sense of security and faith in her sleeping times, but it seemed to be how everyone was saying to do it. I can be honest, I hated every second of letting my child go through that, it was really devastating for me and I can't help but think I tortured her all day for nothing. Had I not done it, I would have had a happy, quietly contented child who almost never cried... I know that the intention is right, that I am trying to do what is right for her, teaching her how to soothe herself into sleep, teaching her a measure of independence - but is it too early? Is it too much? How can she trust me, how can she feel secure with that as a strategy? I sat there, staring at her face as the tears ran down her cheeks, her eyes red, her breath ragged and I couldn't help but question this method. I finally gave up and took her into my arms, her tiny body shaking with each little sob and I rocked her to sleep. I know I wasn't supposed to, but goddamit, I couldn't do it to her anymore. I will teach her, but I don't think this is the way for me.
Nahanni, my sweet, my darling girl, please forgive me for all these little indignities that I do to you for you. Please always know that I love you, wildly, ridiculously and that every mistake I make will be because of that. Please forgive me for these times; gloss over my stumbles with your full-faced, gummy little smile. Trust me, believe in me, let me know that you do - and I will find my way.
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