Sleep Saga -- continued

Here are the entries from my journal of the last few days. We're still trying to teach Nahanni to soothe herself...I think it's working but it's awfully hard.

Saturday July 28/07

Went down well at 7 pm, back up at 7:15 and ongoing until 10:30 pm when she'd escalated so far that I had to swaddle her for the first time since she was 4 weeks old. So fiery! She fell almost immediately to sleep - why does she fight it? I have to say , I miss our happy good sleeper... Also, I cuddle her all day, wear her in the sling - and then at night - poof! - you're on your own? Hmmmm....

later...

Nahanni up at 1am, 4am and 6am - argh! I liked the old way better - it was easier and she slept almost through the night.

Sunday July 29/07

6:34 pm - Nahanni went peacefully to sleep in the co-sleeper. She had a bath for 1/2 hour and loved it, played and splashed fearlessly. Nursed hungrily but was fidgety and unruly and I knew she was tired - my mom's words kept echoeing in my head - 'Just nurse her to sleep, it's what she wants!' and so I thought 'why not?' considering she'd been so miserable since the sleep thing started, what, only four days ago?

later...

The nightmare continues. Up again at 7pm and just crying throughout until 9:15, no matter what I did, even when I gave her what she wanted. Perhaps she's going to bed too early? But she was tired at 6:30, I could tell - what could I do?

later...

...And then it got worse. Finally slept at 9:30 because I nursed her again, but when Ez finally got home at 10 (a whole other story of unhappiness) he accidentally woke her up, so another hours of fussing. Then she woke up again at 1am and was up til 2:30. I'd gotten her down once the cheater way but I moved her too soon and had to start all over again (guess that's where the 'self-soothing that we're trying to teach her really shows its importance). I was getting moodier and moodier, especially when I was still up at 4:30... and then she woke up again at 6am.
This kid who used to sleep like a dream is now killing me with her 'I don't sleep' thing - it's like a test of wills. at 6:00 I put her beside me (she ate well at both 4 and 6) and did what we used to do and she finally slept until 9:15 when the damned phone rang - and in truth it woke me up more than her, but I thought I ought to get her going on the day so she'd be tired at night.

Monday July 30/07

11:00 am - I could she was tired, so tired, so I tried to feed her but she was too fussy. So Ez rocked her until she was almost asleep and then put her down. She's still crying but we'll keep trying. Oh - 6 minutes and then asleep. Not bad.

11:31 am - touch wood - still sleeping!!

1:00 pm - still sleeping! (tired girl!) Woke her up, afraid she'd sleep too long and besides, we wanted to spend some family time together. We went to Lynn Canyon and just breathed in that gorgeous green air.

5:37 - 6:12 pm - Naptime went well - waited till she was tired and yawning - cried for 2 minutes, barely.

8:08 pm - Bathed her and then Ez bounced her until she was almost asleep. She's unhappy but not screaming. She obviously more tired than the other nights - perhaps I was putting her down too early.

8:30 pm - She cried moderately from 8:08 on and after 10 minutes I went in just to reassure her that se were still here but I think it seemed only to have made it worse - she started to cry lustily after that. It's awful, it's like torture to just sit here and listen. It especially breaks my heart when she stumbles on the syllables 'mummummum' - it kills me, like needles in the heart. I feel like she's crying out to me 'Momma, I need you! I'm scared!'. I called the midwives today out of desperation - trying to find some opinions I valued. Still more of the 'power through it' school, saying that one of them had let it go too long with their youngest and eventually had to get a sleep consultant (there's one for everything, I guess). She reiterated that it is hard, but much worse when they are older...
I abhor the thought that she feels abandoned by me, it really pulls at all my fears as a mother - ohgodimwarpingherlittlepsyche - kind of thing. I hate it. I adore this child, her little round face and big trusting eyes. I never want her to doubt me.

8:48 pm - Finally she sleeps. I stood in the door the last 10 mintues, I almost went in and picked her up but I saw that she was sliding in and out - crying mostly out of will, so I stood back and just imagined sending her
waves of white light and love, warmth and support. I pictured it washing over her, embracing her into her dreams where I could not. Ez reminds me that we are teaching her and learning is hard. I just don't know who it is harder on - her or me. Every time a ragged sob escapes her lips it pierces me, every tiny shudder echoes in my heart. I hate it, I hate this process. I promise her silently that I will make up for it with a ridiculous amount of love in her life. I placate myself with that and the knowledge that she won't even remember.
She won't, but I will.