Working Mother's Guilt...Continued

Seems like that is a part of motherhood that never ends...we all worked a lot this week, as I consider that when I am working, so too is Nahanni, as is Ez. They are long days for us all. Monday was 15 hours, and though she was good as gold, it is still hard and it begins to add up. Tuesday was another twelve hour day and by the and both Nahanni and her dad were a bit at the end of their ropes. I think after that much time she just begins to miss me and even though he had a bottle I'd expressed for her, what she really wanted was momma and by the time we wrapped and I reached the trailer I could hear hear wailing and Daddy getting frustrated. It was awful for us all, I scooped her up and she stopped crying instantly and settled into my shoulder but I almost cried, feeling so bad for putting her in this position. Then, of course, the voice gig that I couldn't do when she was born came through - on Wednesday, and then BSG changed their dates from the 26th to - you guessed it - Thursday (15 more hours...) so it was a busy and challenging week for us all. Kate was a godsend on Wednesday and came over here to watch Nahanni for me - I knew she would give her love - but it was still awful. I was getting ready to leave and Nahanni was in Kate's arms and when she turned her face to me her little bottom lip was stuck right out and there were fat tears trembling at the corners of her eyes; and then she started to cry. It was just plain a terrible feeling - to feel like I had no choice but to leave my child feeling so sad as she was, especially after those long days already. By the time I left I had fat tears in my eyes, but Kate called me about 7 minutes later to say that Nahanni had calmed down almost immediately and that she was fine. They ended up having a lovely nap together and Daddy came home early, so all was well, but those guilt tokens keep adding up. I called my mom in tears on the way to that gig, feeling like a horrible mother, feeling like I'm selling my child's earliest baby days for money...but what do I do? I don't get mat-leave and the gigs are so lucrative... On BSG I can bring her and see her throughout the day - who can do that on their job? Plus I really only have worked 7 days out of her 100 odd days of life, and daddy has been with her all but one - and I was with her most of that day as it was. I know all the rationalizations, I know that I am doing what I have to do for my family and for her, but still, it is not as easy to reconcile when I see her upset. To her credit she and Daddy had a great day on Thursday, they went home for a nap and left a few hours before I wrapped and they had a lovely time ('Daddy-Daughter Days' he calls them) and so I felt better. I don't have to work again for - who knows how long, except for voice gigs which are so quick I don't feel so bad. They keep offering me jobs, so that is hard to turn down, it's like free money. Nahanni is doing well overall and we are thankful for the opportunity - but I can't help but feel guilty and wonder if time will tell me whether I made the right decision or not. I certainly feel that I spend every day marveling at this lovely girl and enjoying her growth and loving her. I don't feel all 'Cats in the Cradle' per se, I do feel like a cognizant parent and as long as she is mainly handling it well (one hour out of more than 40 is doing pretty well, I think?) then we'll keep doing it. Nothing more articulate than that - we just do what we have to do. Certainly I recognize also that many women must go back to worse jobs than mine, by far, with younger babies and longer hours, so I continue to count the blessings that are there.
Otherwise, Nahanni si doing marvelously well. I cannot believe how big she is getting, so quickly too! She rolls over here and there, although she isn't terribly interested - but now that she has discovered she can hold her head up and look aroud, maybe that will change! She continues to be a really easy, contented child and I continue to wonder how we could have gotten so very lucky to have her. She is really a dream baby and I thanks the stars every day for her.