I don't think you can spend time with your family from far away, with four generations of women together, see your grandmother as 'old' for the first time...all of it, without starting to really think about things. It's hard for me to not contemplate my parenting when I spend time with my parents, to think about this generation as well as those behind me which have led to me here.
I'm feeling insane in so many ways - insane from so much time with just Nahanni while Ez finishes up the season on the river, from the visit in which she wouldn't let anyone have her but me, from being home again with a baby that's all out of sorts and has her first cold to boot, from not sleeping enough...which gives me lots of time to brood over my choices about what is leading to the not sleeping, to her making strange, to all of it.
I know it drives Ez crazy when I second guess things, but I can't help but wonder if the choices I've (we've) made are currently biting me in the ass, if somehow I was misled about how crucial it is to form strong attachments with my child. As my mom said recently 'Oh, it's working - she's attached alright!' and it is true - this child lives in a world that clearly revolves around mommy - so much so that I'm starting to suffer and wonder if I should've just stuck her in a crib from day one like so many others do, like everyone seems to be implying I should have done. Then she'd be sleeping through the night, then she wouldn't make strange, then she'd blahblahblah...
I don't even know how much of it is true - I mean she is still only five months old, she's still a very small baby. I look through and the books seem to be saying that most kids are in fact not sleeping through the night at five months, they still need more food in the night, and that sleeping through the night is actually 5 hours straight anyhow. I feel like I just don't know what to think at all and I'm just driving myself nuts.
I keep thinking about the whole 'attachment' thing and really, when I think about it, how could she not be attached even if she had been sleeping in her own room from the start - who else would she be attached to? Would she love me less? Would she even know the difference? My whole intention had always been to instill confidence in her, for her to feel safe and protected and to know that we were always here for her and she had no reason to ever be frightened or feel abandoned. When I toy at all with crying-it-out, the look in her eyes of fear and confusion speaks to my very soul - I can't bear it, and yet - how many of us were put in our cribs to cry? It's hardly like I wake at night in a cold sweat thinking back on it. One girl in my mommy hiking club put it this way - that she envisions it like a bow and arrow - you pull it closer to you so that the arrow flies farther and straighter - but here I am, and I can't leave Nahanni with anyone other than her Dad right now because she makes strange. I tried today to leave her with a sitter for two hours and after one hour I got the call I was almost waiting for. Did I screw up with the best of intentions? Have I ended up creating this or is this just a phase that many kids go through - making strange?
I suppose it's all about weaning - piece by piece. First I instill confidence and then I teach her to move out more on her own. I guess. That's the idea, isn't it? I just don't know right now - I feel so confused, I feel like I'm judging my parenting and, even if it is not true, I feel like others are judging my parenting. I suppose only time will tell - and perhaps then I'll have had enough sleep to articulate it in a fascinating yet light-hearted fashion for your amusement.
No comments:
Post a Comment