It's amazing what you can learn when you pay attention. Mostly I have learned how important it is to pay attention in the first place, that's a big one. When, by the third hour of almost non-stop colouring I am no longer in the mauvealous mood, I remember how short this time will be with her, how fast she is already growing and learning. It is surprising how easily she is leaving behind 'baby' words - like the 'emp-no' (empty) of yore and beginning to make full-fledged sentences. I was playing the 'Yummiland' movie the other day (I play Mindy Mint Chocolate Chip) and Nahanni clearly was not interested. She grabbed the remote and began furiously pressing buttons whilst repeating 'Turn off it. Movie. Turn off it'. I guess I know why we haven't gone to series...
I've learned that I'm torn somewhere between a near absence of ambition, a sort of self/motherhood imposed film industry vacuum and the voracious drive that lead me on in the old days. I'm attending the Red Carpet ET Canada festivities to close the Vancouver International Film Festival tomorrow night and when I learned that I hadn't been invited to another one last night for a company I have done a lot of work with, I felt...peeved, annoyed, heck, maybe even a little petulantly left out. That's a bit of a switch. I'm certainly out of the red carpet loop and I feel it, and I wonder how it will feel to do all that rigamarole again. I am looking forward to wearing a smashing red dress, that I will admit. And don't even talk to me about the shoes -- yum! Nothing says 'I'm back!' like a red stiletto.
As for mommyland, it continues to groove along and now that I have had a short reprieve from single parenthood while Ez has been between gigs I am enjoying it as always. Nahanni is smart as a whip, increasingly funny and a general joy to be around. I love to be with her and I pine for the days, not long ago, when when she was so small and vulnerable and new in my arms, seemingly mine alone. There is a certain romance to a new baby in your arms, a cloud of it descends upon you when you smell their small heads, their sweet breath warm against your neck. But like a summer dalliance or a shatteringly good vacation, it so quickly becomes but a foggy memory, it is almost cruel.
The new neighbourhood is taking me some time to get used to. I keep feeling somewhat shocked - some glaring thing will remind me that I am not in Kansas, er... North Vancouver anymore. The grocery store is a torrent of people, more intimidating even than the aggressive French mega store Carrefour. I am infinitely annoyed that they sell almost no organic produce whatsoever and I must remind myself that this is a different 'hood altogether - much more humbly working class and, I am discovering, predominantly ethnic. Ez says he feels much more at home here than "hoity-toity" North Van where he always felt somehow...lower than the standard. As for me, I consider myself to be a worldy person, vastly interested in the cultures of the world, their foods, their languages etc., but I have to jarringly admit, I felt myself somewhat caught off-guard when I took Nahanni to a Babytales hour at the new (to us) library. Of the 20-odd kids there (and their parents, grandparents and nannies) all but Nahanni and one other little girl were Asian - and it kind of threw me off. I guess I got so used to North Vancouver, that bastion of white upwardly mobile society - I never realized it. And I wondered why I felt unsettled by it - I wondered if they were all Spanish, say, would I have felt like that? I think that I feel disoriented when all the signs are in Mandarin or Cantonese, the magazines on the racks, the foremost book cases. I think because it feels inaccessible to me in a way that Spanish or Italian or French does not feel - I can muddle my way through any of them, but Chinese simply escapes me. And I suppose, the tables are somewhat turned on this white girl from Southern Ontario when suddenly I find myself to be the visible minority. And I chuckle when I think that my daughter is actually one-quarter Asian herself - though one would likely not know that to look at her [except other 'hapas' or mothers of 'hapas' who can always spot a child of mixed race].
We are loving the house though, its location is great for our needs, the house is warm, cozy and spacious at the same time. We had a huge housewarming party last weekend and though it was certainly a bummer that it rained, thus forcing us inside in droves of screaming children and jostling adults it was a wonderful time. There are so many dreams in life - travel, exploration, knowledge, and yet, one simple little thing - to own your own house in this city - there's something there that is also very, very satisfying. I suppose it is easy to mock it as plebeian, the whole middle-age get a house and have some kids thing, but really, it is some of the most rewarding time I have ever had...
Till the next adventure I guess. There's always another one with us.
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