December, schmember

I was just commenting to Ez last night that I was tired of how things have gone this year and I'll just be glad to get the year over with and start anew. And in that moment I had a flash of deja vu - because I am certain that I said the exact same thing around this time last year. And frankly, that just makes me angry. I'm feeling a lot of angry lately, and a lot of frustration and general malaise. This birthday has become hard...it came in like a lamb but went out like a lion. Hell, I don't even want to talk about it, it makes me that exasperated. All I know is that I am sick and tired of wishing for the year to end so I could start fresh. I keep wondering when this whole mess that has become me will straighten out and we'll catch a break. It's been far too long, my friends, far too long.

Of course, there are the obvious ways in which I can give thanks and feel completely horrible and ridiculous to complain about my lot in life. But still, I want my old life back in so many ways - I want to be successful again and I'm so sick of banging against locked doors. I'm sick of kicking myself over decisions I made to the best of my ability and sick of torturing myelf over them. I'm sick of the whole damned thing.

Mercifully, I have a child who continues to light my days. At 'singing class' last week one of the grandmothers whose little boy I find irresistibly adorable began to talk to me about how she watches her grandson three days a week while her daughter-in-law and son work. She looked at me and said 'I was always working too, never had time for swimming or playing and I am so regretful now'. The look of woe on her face stills my heart even now and I feel blessed that even though this time has been absolute sh*t for my career, I know that I am serving my child in an immeasurable way. It's hard sometimes, to recognize that, but I know in my heart that it is true.

And inevitably, in some form (surely unimaginable to me) the pendulum will swing again and we will get a little time in the sun. I only hope it isn't to long, as we are feling a bit buried beneath it all.