I remember when Nahanni was born, my sister-in-law said 'You have just pressed fast forward on your life.' and now that my daughter has just turned one, I see what she means. Sitting on set on Battlestar Gallactica yesterday answering people's questions about my daughter I really saw how time had passed. To tell that she had just turned one particularly highlighted this phenomenon as I was about five and a half months pregnant when I was first on the show...and now she is one. How has time passed so quickly? Where did it go? How fast will it go from here on out?
It has been a difficult, wonderful time of late - busy, busy and busy. I can say with great certainty that having a child and searching for childcare makes my whole world that much more...interesting. I have found it challenging to juggle all these aspects of life, while still trying to move forward in my life and career, to enjoy my world, my community, myself. I have an emotional storm roiling around inside me and I feel quite inept in its articulation. We had a wonderful, amazing day to celebrate our wonderful beautiful year with Nahanni. We feel blessed, we smile and we struggle and we live and we love her beyond reason. I don't know how to best deal with the feeling that my life is escaping me like air from a pin-pricked balloon, but as with running any river, I can only ride the waves and do my best not to capsize. I hope to find time to better articulate this soon, but for now, I crave sleep, my fridge is empty and a cold has stolen all but the last remnants of my voice. I have another half hour before Nahanni will be awake and we start it all again and the house is still messy (we've talked about that though...) and the laundry' isn't done and my script revisions remain unfinished, as do my taxes and all the nightmare that accompanies that. I'm still struggling to find a regular nanny to help me as I return to work, I'm trying to find time and energy to work out and do yoga and cook proper meals and be beautiful enough to survive in this business and, and, and...
Parenthood is the hardest and the easiest thing I have ever done. It has been a juggling act amidst the circus I already lived in, but I know that the choices we have made make it so and therefore, we try to laugh and ride it out. I feel the itch settling in, the itch to travel, to live adventurously and it collides with my desire to keep my daughter safe and well and to educate her and give her stability. And that was just in the first year.
Oh heck, I don't even think any of this made any sense... Let's just upload some pictures and say I'll clean this up later...you know, in all my spare time.
PS. This was the best year of my life.
