Insomnia Sucks

I think insomnia is half the reason why I haven't shown up here much. I think it has been over six months since I have slept through the night and I am feeling worn thin like an old blanket. It is as though my body has decided that this is normal, that I should awaken every morning around 3 and read for several hours. It is getting desperate indeed and I am feeling stupid and slow witted today especially. After a week in Desolation Sound, still not sleeping, I am desperate for it. I awoke yesterday at 4 am and couldn't retrieve a lick of sleep and so went to bed last night at 8 pm, only to awaken at 1 and am still going...

I finished my book, reviewed by one as 'unrelentingly tragic' and I literally bawled on the couch in the half light of the lamp. My mom, newly enamoured of texting, sent me a message at the inauspicious time of 4:26am and since I was up, I chatted with her instead of writing some sad, woeful entry influenced entirely by my reading and my week on the edge of civilization, where we thought every day about leaping off.

Here we still are, our house seemed...somehow less upon our return from that beautiful, quiet place. For me, the fear of the unknown is ... well, I don't even know. By turns it is exciting to think of leaving it all, of spurning the business which has so often spurned me. But then I get fearful of leaving it all, for it is what I know. But I am tired of the 'rat-race', of the rejection and uncertainty. I'm most tired of my husband's misery and its effect on his health and the health of our family. Most of all, I miss and crave adventure as we have always known it, and I am pretty sure that this is not it. We dream of boats, of water around us as far as we can see. We dream of life less ordinary, of a child who grows up knowing more than tv and texting and this modern life so shaped by superficial things. Not to say that escaping somewhere simpler would erase those effects on her, but surely that they would be mitigated by her exposure to nature, to travel and adventure and the road less traveled.

I am tired. Very, very tired. Too tired currently, for my years. I need sleep like I need air and I need it soon so that I can recover myself for the next big leap.