Well, absence can mean a lot of things. In this case, it has been the rapid descent of our life back towards hell. Every time we think we have climbed back out from the depths we are somehow summarily returned. Frankly, I pretty fucking sick of it. I'm tired of being miserable, of not sleeping or laughing or enjoying the gifts of life. I'm tired of being stressed and grouchy and exhausted and of not having enough happiness to be present with Nahanni. I'm sick of never knowing when things will get better, of never knowing where the money will come from, of hoping that the film industry will deign to let me back in again. I'm sick of hearing about how I was the best one and didn't get it, sick of the government and their total disdain for the arts and for indigenous productions in Canada. I'm sick of the safety nets that let you drop to the ground and break your neck, of shitty accountants and bank fees and Canada Revenue and commercials for funerals and life insurance and fucking investments. I'm sick of hearing about people's parents giving then $10,000 for their mortgages while I am afraid I might lose my house. I'm sick of trolling for crappy jobs out of the fear that I may never work again. I'm sick of being up all night worrying and being sick all day and of this feeling that none of this is ever going to end. I'm sick of robbing my daughter of the joyful mother I used to be. I'm sick of broken hands and carpal tunnel and twitter and celebutantes and reality tv stars and women on food shows who look like they haven't eaten a full meal in weeks. I'm sick of crappy television and system access fees and waiting lists and shoddy workmanship and trying to vacuum the cracks in the floor that the a-hole laid down without gluing or nailing. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack, of resenting all the choices I have made in my life when I thought I was doing my best, of feeling like everything I have done has added up to nothing and that I worked my ass off and have nothing to show for it. And I'm sick of people telling me to just 'be positive'. The next person who says that to me is gonna get punched in the face. Seriously.
The only good news is that when you get this sick of things, something's gotta change.
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