Always a Flame for You, My love

I could not begin to lie to anyone close to me -- it is obvious that this time has been hard. But there are moments of clarity and happiness, as always. Nahanni continues to be a great source of joy; her funny little voice, her infectious laughter and her innocent little heart are always a constant for us. When I am feeling bad there is so often a moment when I look at her and she is dancing her ballet, arms asunder, eyes closed in some passionate moment of union with her music and I am reminded to be amazed by the simplicity of the real things, the things you can touch and feel.

I continue to struggle with this current path, but I cannot help but feel that I must be breaking important new ground. I feel happiness invade this blackness when I peruse UBC or SFU course calendars, imagining entering the MFA program in creative writing or Midwifery. I am trying to keep grasping for the tendrils of something new to guide me through this time and I search my soul daily to ask what it might want.
I had a good experience in an audition yesterday for the first time in ages -- even though I had to dig deep and use some really difficult work, the kind of which I was questioning not long ago right here. Again, a pretty small part that I once would have turned my nose at, and actually something which on the surface was far simpler than I made it. But what I enjoyed was my using my process again, having a role that I could play with and make choices about and challenge both myself and the director with. I focused in a way I haven't managed for a while (out of despair, frustration, tiredness) and I really felt that I told a story much bigger than what was on the page. And that felt good. It felt good to feel like the 'old' me, the actor me. Which isn't to say that I haven't been doing these things, but this one was a blend of so many of the elements that it was like a new workout at the gym [the what? what's a gym?]. And really, other than the obvious 'need' part, I am content with the result. I achieved what I needed to do for me in that room.

Otherwise I am still trying to come to grips with this whole second-baby thing. It has not been anything like the first time, when I counted the hours until I had reached the first milestones. This time they have just...come, very much independent of me or my wishes. I seem to have only looked up and here I am knocking on the door of 12 weeks, that first trimester milestone that is so important. And even though I have been feeling apprehensive, sick, exhausted beyond words and even frightened out of my wits, I know enough to feel grateful. In the waiting room at my new midwifery practice today I met a woman with a 6-week old baby whose husband will be away for the next few months and she has just found out her mother has cancer, as does the mother of her best friend. She looked shell-shocked, as well she should. We talked about the struggles we shared as new mothers and I couldn't help but walk away feeling in a better place - as an old friend has said to me 'There is always more'. Money is simple in some ways, there are ways to get it. But I have a friend who has just suffered her 5th miscarriage (in itself a miscarriage of justice - no one should lose 5 babies) and I looked at this other woman and heard her story and I thought 'This is not cancer. This is just fear.'

And then I lay down on a scarlet couch in a softly lit room surrounded by pictures of curled up little newborns, the echo of their cries filtering in like muzak of the heart from other rooms. And she laid a little wand upon my belly and I heard that little tiny heartbeat woosh woosh--woosh woosh.
And I cried, exactly how I was supposed to.