In recent months, my normally mild-mannered child has fallen into an occasional habit of throwing a fit. By all accounts they have been pretty tame, although one a few weeks ago did reach a decibel level to which I was heretofore unaccustomed. Our policy with respect to the rare occasions when she has a time-out are that we discuss the offending behaviour, apologize and have a hug and a kiss. After that last doozy we went through the usual process and when it was done, I went into the kitchen to start baking as a means to distract and also spend some time with her. I began prepping things and when I looked up she slinked into the kitchen, wretchedly sobbing; "I'm so sorry for throwing a temper tantrum!" It was heartbreaking to me, to see her feeling so guilty and my immediate reaction was to hug her and remind her that we had already said our sorrys and that once we do that it is over - it's like starting out new. She accepted that and we went on to have a lovely, floury afternoon. It was amazing to me to see that she simply needed reassurance that she was forgiven and so she was able to instantly forgive herself.
So now here's the question: Why in the world am I not able to do that for myself!??
It's 3:09 a.m., a windy, blustery night. Although I have begun, mercifully, to sleep through the night (amazing what a drastic decrease in stress will do to insomnia) I am not remotely surprised to discover myself awake. I knew it was lurking in there and lo and behold, I even dreamed about it. Yes, the dreaded 'T'...taxes.
For the most part I believe that I have wrestled back the reins of my out-of-control accounting, fired my seemingly incompetent accountant and found one who comes highly recommended. Aye, but here's the rub -- this accountant not only knows what she's doing, she's been explaining to me all the ways in which I do not; hence, I am awake at 3 o'clock in the morning trying to expunge long held guilt over the many ways in which I have failed myself over the years.
Somehow I cannot seem to forgive myself for any of it. I am sick with the thought that all these years with my blind-leading-the-blind accountant I have lost tens of thousands of dollars I will never recover, a wound rubbed further raw as we find ourselves living on fumes. I'm screaming at myself inside "How could you not have known!? Why didn't you ask more questions!?" I begin to drag out old baggage I have worked very hard to put away; "Why didn't you pick a better degree?! Why didn't you know more about how to run a business?! Why didn't you question the lawyers who said your green-card would be refused?! Why didn't you move to LA at 19?! Why? Why? WHY!!!!???"
And here I am.
Really, most of these things are long past, and even though I am discovering what I could have-should have, still it is utterly, inexorably impossible to change any of it. So why am I still unable to let it go?
I remember years ago, my dear friend in LA was helping me deal with some issues I had that seemed centred on another actress who had received the break I had longed for, even without ever wanting to have it. It rankled me and I was consumed by envy over what that would have meant for my career. She suggested to me that I write all the elements that I was not letting go of onto a piece of paper and burn it. I stood out in the blazing LA heat on the square of concrete in her backyard and burned the pages onto which I had scrawled all this guilt and worry and personal grievances about my career. I watched the pages curl and blacken, little puffs of paper wafting in the stiff, hot air. In the end, only one fragment of paper remained: the piece with that girl's name on it. That's how it seems to be for me, I work hard to become spiritually clear, but there's always that one scrap that eludes me, that one wafting piece of paper.
For me, in general, it seems to be this: How could I possibly be so smart and so naive and stupid at the same time? How could I have made so many bad decisions with so clear a goal and focus in mind? I want to forgive myself but seem unable to let go of this burbling anger that is roiling away inside my psyche: I have utterly failed myself in the first half of my life. No, I never took a business course. I'm the girl who paid her paper-route bill on time and in full, regardless of how much my customers had paid (or neglected to pay) me - this is how far back this goes. Can I give myself credit for coming from a home where no one knew how to manage money because we never had any? I suppose, but it doesn't seem relevant to me of the 155 IQ and 92.3% average. The long and the short of it is this: I was Life Dumb and I never managed to find any good teacher. Heck, I was to dumb to even know I was dumb. Talk about blindly trusting authority.
I guess the only thing I can do now is figure out how to truly let it go and move on. Learn from my mistakes and make sure I don't pass them on. Insist my children take some business and accounting courses even if they want to be artists - especially so. But most of all, I need to learn to forgive myself for these failings so that my daughter - my children (wow, still coming to grips with that one) will not grow up learning this pattern of guilt.
For your penance you will stay up late, tossing and turning. Say 1,000 whys and then gather yourself and move forward.
Amen.
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