But seriously, don't get me wrong but why does the honeymoon have to end? There are days when I feel like the worst mother on the planet. Well, maybe not the whole planet, just the Western hemisphere. How did I go from this loving, doting, caressing, cooing mother into the 'Stop doing that! Sit down! Be quiet! Stop doing that!!' mother? Where once I was so utterly addicted to Nahanni, now she has a tendency to drive me to distraction. Why does this have to happen? Is is a failure on my part or just a part of the whole rigamarole of parenting?
It does so remind me though, of the story a friend told before I had Zola. She likened bringing home a new baby to saying to your husband 'Hey honey, meet my new boyfriend - he's cuter than you, I'll be kissing him much more often and he'll be sleeping with me instead of you. Enjoy!' Where once I couldn't live without kissing her a hundred times a day, there are days when I have to refrain from wanting to smack her. Luckily for us both (I couldn't handle the guilt) we are not opting for the spanking option. A while back when she was pushing me constantly and I was reaching my limits she was whining forcefully in the back of the car and I yelled back 'Nahanni! If you don't stop this right now I am going to pull this car over and... And...'
[Pause. Try to figure out what would replace my parents' 'You're gonna get beat within an inch of your life!' "]
...and you're not going to like it!!" (ooh, threatening, I know)
Small voice from the back: "Why won't I like it?"
See? It just doesn't carry the same weight.
The point is, I'm feeling a little nuts and a lot guilty lately about it all. I love my daughter, truly, madly and deeply, but this three-year old talking back and challenging you at every turn stage is making me even more nuts. And with a new baby, resources are stretched more thin and my ability to take a step back and breathe is greatly reduced. I pray for patience and for my ability to mother her (all of them, really) in a loving fashion to return again to full-strength. It takes tremendous effort to step back from the words perched at the edge of my tongue and to take a moment to ask myself if that is how I would like to be spoken to, if that is the kind of mother I would want to have. I am trying at every turn to take an extra moment to kiss her instead of always kissing Zola (although seriously, Nahanni was mauled worse from day one) and to plant a few on her. To realize that much of her acting out is her inexperienced little person's way of saying 'Hey! I need you!' Having an impatient mother is like being in a bad marriage from which there is no divorce. Yes, I have a new 'boyfriend', but I think I can manage to love them both equally, if not better for having the two of them.
I may need a glass of wine. And a vacation. But I can do it.
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