25 weeks, 3 days and weird times

It seems to be a strange time for me and it is hard to pinpoint what exactly is making me feel like this. I think part of it is just the season, how I feel about Christmas and the whole season of consumerism, how I feel about being far away from family at a time when family should be together (isn't that the reason? Although Kudos to the Thompsons and to T&A for making us part of their families this season) and I'm sure part of it is just the general inertia of this time of every year for me and anyone in the industry. I'm always just waiting for January so life can begin again, although who really knows how much work I'll even be able to get in the new year with this burgeoning belly.

In reality though, I think that it is more than that, it is also tied to my pregnancy and the stage where I find myself. While it is true that I look and feel more pregnant than ever, perhaps it is the middle hump or something - but I feel a certain disconnect. Perhaps it is that all the 'new' is gone, I have grown used to the wobbling gears in my belly, I feel confident that all is going well, that baby is growing and thriving and will continue doing so. Not to misunderstand, I am of course, thrilled to be having such a breezy pregnancy that is going so very well, but I have felt a descending sadness these last few days that I have been unable to really put my finger on nor have I managed to shake it.

Last night I awoke around 2 a.m. for my usual trip to the bathroom and when I got back in bed, I was wide awake and stayed so until 7 a.m., just thinking of everything, my mind swirling like a kaleidescope. For a long time I lay in the dark room with my hand holding the swell of the baby, and I just simply relished in their little gymnastics. I felt some of the biggest movements I'd yet experienced, what must be little feet pressing against what used to be my waist, whole round hard bits sweeping across my hand and rippling across my middle. It is still marvelous, I must admit, and I relished this quiet time, sending thoughts to my baby. But then, the unease set in.

Who knows what caused it (I never know), but I just felt this blanket of sadness settle over me. You spend so much time, especially during your first pregnancy simply marvelling at how wonderous and special and phenomenal everything is, and then suddenly, you get this sort of psychic email which says "Hah! It's nothing! There are 6 billion people on this planet, and each of them has been through this, you are not special!" - and I could cry right now thinking of that. Again, I say that I don't know what made this happen. Perhaps it was watching the super-8 videos of Ez's childhood; seeing his mother pregnant for him at Christmas of 1970, only 3 weeks further along than I am, his sister Cindy (now grown with a 4-and a 2-year old of her own) toddling about in fluffy yellow footsie pj's. There's a certain inevitable reckoning with the passage of time, watching video like that, especially when you wrap your head around all the years between then and now, where his parents are retired, a thousand miles away from their now grown son. You understand that time is a bandit that will steal away your whole life if you don't pay careful attention - and heck, even if you do.

Or maybe it was the news the other night from Tracy, who has not only 'been there and done that' and really is pretty disinterested in the process with which I am generally entranced, being busy with the life of a young mother, who announced on Christmas (what a present!) that she's doing it again. I watched her with her daughter at dinner, this girl I have known now for many years, and have been next to through coming together with Adrian, getting pregnant and becoming a mother - the whole escapade - I watched her just being a parent; putting on diapers and socks, feeding, dressing, caring - all these things that somehow came to be so everyday and I remember thinking not only how it just 'was', but how she will just simply be repeating the process over again - just as simple as that. Now don't misunderstand, I don't mean to simplify the process, but what I mean is more something about how simple it all really is. You can do it, and then you can do it again - and again and again if you want to. It seems like that too, illuminates how really 'not-special' it all is. And I think it made me feel profoundly sad. Like how sometimes I will see parents in the mall or on the street with older children and they'll be yelling at them, or visibly bored with whatever is going on, talking on their cell phones or reading or some other distracting diversion and I feel like I am watching the gradual decline of a romance and I wonder - when does it happen? How do you go from being entralled my every little spin and kick, every single moment of your new baby's life to "Michael! If you ask me one more time I am going to lock you in your bedroom for two weeks!"? Is there some kind of limited supply of special?

I feel so sad when I think of it that even now, tears are brimming in my eyes and I feel once again, profoundly sad about it, this illumination of how quickly elation can fade and just become life. I don't want it to end, I don't want it not to be special and it breaks my heart to think of it. I want always to feel the core of what this has meant to me from the beginning, that no matter about 6 billion people - this is MY baby, OUR baby, it is our time of special. This will always be my first time and even though someday my child will be grown and independent and perhaps far away from me, I was there at the beginning, I felt the first groanings of its life expanding into truth and I felt the tug of its first forays into humanity and for me, it will always be special. It is my turn, it is our turn, it is our little universe expanding.

I only have three small months more to hold fast to this, I clasp it tight to my heart.

25 weeks, 3 days and weird times

It seems to be a strange time for me and it is hard to pinpoint what exactly is making me feel like this. I think part of it is just the season, how I feel about Christmas and the whole season of consumerism, how I feel about being far away from family at a time when family should be together (isn't that the reason? Although Kudos to the Thompsons and to T&A for making us part of their families this season) and I'm sure part of it is just the general inertia of this time of every year for me and anyone in the industry. I'm always just waiting for January so life can begin again, although who really knows how much work I'll even be able to get in the new year with this burgeoning belly.

In reality though, I think that it is more than that, it is also tied to my pregnancy and the stage where I find myself. While it is true that I look and feel more pregnant than ever, perhaps it is the middle hump or something - but I feel a certain disconnect. Perhaps it is that all the 'new' is gone, I have grown used to the wobbling gears in my belly, I feel confident that all is going well, that baby is growing and thriving and will continue doing so. Not to misunderstand, I am of course, thrilled to be having such a breezy pregnancy that is going so very well, but I have felt a descending sadness these last few days that I have been unable to really put my finger on nor have I managed to shake it.

Last night I awoke around 2 a.m. for my usual trip to the bathroom and when I got back in bed, I was wide awake and stayed so until 7 a.m., just thinking of everything, my mind swirling like a kaleidescope. For a long time I lay in the dark room with my hand holding the swell of the baby, and I just simply relished in their little gymnastics. I felt some of the biggest movements I'd yet experienced, what must be little feet pressing against what used to be my waist, whole round hard bits sweeping across my hand and rippling across my middle. It is still marvelous, I must admit, and I relished this quiet time, sending thoughts to my baby. But then, the unease set in.

Who knows what caused it (I never know), but I just felt this blanket of sadness settle over me. You spend so much time, especially during your first pregnancy simply marvelling at how wonderous and special and phenomenal everything is, and then suddenly, you get this sort of psychic email which says "Hah! It's nothing! There are 6 billion people on this planet, and each of them has been through this, you are not special!" - and I could cry right now thinking of that. Again, I say that I don't know what made this happen. Perhaps it was watching the super-8 videos of Ez's childhood; seeing his mother pregnant for him at Christmas of 1970, only 3 weeks further along than I am, his sister Cindy (now grown with a 4-and a 2-year old of her own) toddling about in fluffy yellow footsie pj's. There's a certain inevitable reckoning with the passage of time, watching video like that, especially when you wrap your head around all the years between then and now, where his parents are retired, a thousand miles away from their now grown son. You understand that time is a bandit that will steal away your whole life if you don't pay careful attention - and heck, even if you do.

Or maybe it was the news the other night from Tracy, who has not only 'been there and done that' and really is pretty disinterested in the process with which I am generally entranced, being busy with the life of a young mother, who announced on Christmas (what a present!) that she's doing it again. I watched her with her daughter at dinner, this girl I have known now for many years, and have been next to through coming together with Adrian, getting pregnant and becoming a mother - the whole escapade - I watched her just being a parent; putting on diapers and socks, feeding, dressing, caring - all these things that somehow came to be so everyday and I remember thinking not only how it just 'was', but how she will just simply be repeating the process over again - just as simple as that. Now don't misunderstand, I don't mean to simplify the process, but what I mean is more something about how simple it all really is. You can do it, and then you can do it again - and again and again if you want to. It seems like that too, illuminates how really 'not-special' it all is. And I think it made me feel profoundly sad. Like how sometimes I will see parents in the mall or on the street with older children and they'll be yelling at them, or visibly bored with whatever is going on, talking on their cell phones or reading or some other distracting diversion and I feel like I am watching the gradual decline of a romance and I wonder - when does it happen? How do you go from being entralled my every little spin and kick, every single moment of your new baby's life to "Michael! If you ask me one more time I am going to lock you in your bedroom for two weeks!"? Is there some kind of limited supply of special?

I feel so sad when I think of it that even now, tears are brimming in my eyes and I feel once again, profoundly sad about it, this illumination of how quickly elation can fade and just become life. I don't want it to end, I don't want it not to be special and it breaks my heart to think of it. I want always to feel the core of what this has meant to me from the beginning, that no matter about 6 billion people - this is MY baby, OUR baby, it is our time of special. This will always be my first time and even though someday my child will be grown and independent and perhaps far away from me, I was there at the beginning, I felt the first groanings of its life expanding into truth and I felt the tug of its first forays into humanity and for me, it will always be special. It is my turn, it is our turn, it is our little universe expanding.

I only have three small months more to hold fast to this, I clasp it tight to my heart.

6 months have flown by!

Wow!

It seems amazing to me to be six months pregnant. I keep saying it over and over and it makes me giggle like a little girl trying out her married name to some famous rock star or prince. It's astonishing to me that we've come this far, this well and I am so very thankful.

Baby has been growing and moving - I'm starting to experience to beginnings of 'run out of room' syndrome - something I expect will get considerably worse. I still hope not to have a giant baby, but I do wonder where on earth I will put all the new pounds I am expected to gain over the next few months. Sometimes I feel full to bursting as it is! I find particularly if I eat anything approaching a regularly sized meal, I feel as though I might explode - clearly I have graduated to the 'small meals only' section of pregnancy. But as has been the story, no real complaints. I'm still doing yoga and hope to join yogapod's prenatal classes in the New Year and I feel good!

We didn't get the house - we were embarrassingly outbid by someone who materialized from thin air after our initial bid. No one wanted this house for six months and then suddenly, poof!, rich people show up and steal it out from under us. We felt like we didn't even get to play - they just crushed us. But alas, there were many problems and issues to be considered, especially with a new baby (they wanted us to remove all conditions, including inspection - sure! lead paint? no problem!) so we were not willing to do that, needless to say.

So instead, we went to an auction and bought ourselves the most beautiful Burmese Mahogany floor - so we're renovating the place instead. Not quite a big new house (well, old house) but still - pretty good!

Baby's True Size

Had our pre-natal appointment this morning with the midwife - always a nice experience. I had to laugh, when I expressed concern that in going to the hospital they might take over and make me do it more 'their' way versus the midwifery way I am planning and Irene, this fiery little Scot with 30 years experience as a midwife looked me straight in the eye and said "Oh, you don't know me very well do you? No one tells me what to do in that hospital" - I loved it! That's the kind of advocate I want for me and for my baby. I'm so pleased to have chosen midwifery care and I feel so well informed and as prepared as I can be for such a monumental experience.

Baby continues to be spot on in everything, all measurements are good, including my size, which, although feels big to me in many ways, is really still quite small. But to my surprise, baby is quite big! Irene had a well-worn chart that she pulled from her bag which shows baby's true size in each of the months and when I saw the picture of 5 months I could not believe its size! So big! I was even more amazed by the 9th month, but I'm not thinking too much about that one yet...
So, I held the chart to my belly and took pictures so that everyone (including ez) who could not be here could see how big baby really is. All is well, moving around and all, and Irene agreed that this last while was likely a growth spurt as I have been quite tired and the baby pretty quiet. It didn't like having its heartbeat taken this morning and kept moving away from the little doppler, but the 10 seconds she got sounded good and strong and she decided to leave well enough alone. I finally look pregnant, if only a little and I love the swell of this belly and every little hello from baby. And finally, I feel like this is New Year's we can celebrate since 2007 will be ther year of our baby. We are thrilled.

Mommy's Birthday - 23 weeks

Thought I might update on time this week, even though I only did so three days ago!

Last night was my birthday and Ez went above and beyond to throw a lovely dinner party for me. We had beef tenderloin medallions, seared scallops with dill oil, porcini mushroom ravioli with mushroom cream sauce and steamed crab legs with redolent garlic or dill butter and a beautiful salad. For appys we had a delicious fondue with fresh veggies and warm baguette and of course, we had a fab ice cream cake for dessert!! It was terrifically yummy and even though I couldn't drink I truly enjoyed my gingerale with cranberry studded with sweet magenta pomegranate seeds - very festive. I find if you serve anything in fat, long-stemmed wine glasses it tastes better! He also splurged and bought me a fancy b*tch new phone with an mp3 player and 3.2 mpxl camera in it - very advanced, something I would never have bought myself. But he thought it would be easier with the baby to have everything in one device and that way I will always have a camera with me ti take pictures of the bambino while daddy is at work ;)

Baby has been pretty quiet lately, I think it must be a growing phase. Still some movement here and there but not as much as last week. I feel like I have grown quite a bit, although I haven't quite figured out where, as my measurements continue to be the same. I feel thick and stiff, but yoga is helping and I still can't complain - although I do wonder how I will ever move as it gets bigger! My belly button is a creature unto itself lately, especially since I had to break down and take out my belly ring the other day. It has flattened out substantially and even resembles an 'outtie' - as much as my hollowed out strange bellybutton can. I'm chugging away on my crochet baby blanket - though I have completely changed the colour scheme and design ( of course) and it little resembles the blanket I started out making. I also got a beautiful blanket from my mom for the baby, bright and colourful and a patchwork of soft textured fabrics that baby is sure to love. Between that one, mine and the one nanabanana made me (a year ago, impatiently forward looking) I should be good on the baby blanket front.

Now all we need is a stroller.

Oh yeah. And a house.

C'mon, dream home!

22 weeks (and 4 days...mommy's workin')

Okay, I'm a little behind, it's been pretty busy chez nous! I've been working for the last two weeks on Battlestar Gallactica, which was surprisingly fun, despite involving a seemingly endless amount of days sittings in the gallery of the courtroom - they're the worst kind of scenes because they require so much coverage and are generally incredibly boring. However, I was really thrilled to get a gig this close to x-mas when things tend to get so slow, and a great paying one at that! And as always, I made a lot from a little with this character and heard repeated invitations (including from the producer) that she'll be returning when they do, which would wonderfully coincide with the time right after baby comes and we'll need the money....especially if we get this house!

Yes, despite not being in the market for a house, we had one of those moments of serendipity when we took a turn on a street that we'd never been onto and stumbled upon a house from the 1950's that we thought could work for us. It's one of those places that you'd have to mother - and what I mean by that is the notion that it's so ugly only a mother could love it. BUT, it has good bones, and dispite some serious initial work that must be done, it is otherwise a solid house that we could see ourselves (and our baby!) in. We see what we could make out of it, and so we have rolled the dice and made an offer of what we think is fair for it, as it is considerably overpriced and has been since it went on the market in June. We know our cap and we know we could stay in this beautiful apartment for another year if we have to, so we feel in a good position. It's been stressful, exciting and interesting to go through this process, and we have had to face many fears, not least of which is my very considerable fear of money issues. As we all know, buying any home in Vancouver is a very daunting prospect and this is a house in North Van, so you can just imagine. It's hard to believe the we could be thinking that half a million dollars (what?!) is a good deal. So here we are, waiting to exhale. We put the offer in yesterday and the owner had until 1 p.m. today to decide what she thinks of our offer. We think it is fair considering the circumstances of the house and the repairs and we hope that she will think so too. Heck - who else would want a crazy house like this besides us???

Otherwise, baby things are all good and I continue to have an easy and uneventful pregnancy for which I am eternally grateful. The worst complaint I have is that now in the mornings when I awake I am temporarily paralyzed by pain and stiffness in my mid back that catches my breathe. I have found that yoga helps to alleviate it and I guess that is just my body adjusting to the growing weight of my belly - although you can continue to see that it is not exactly huge! I feel like I've grown a lot but the numbers seem to still be the same. But the baby's kicks and movements are stronger and my belly feels larger and more swayed. Pants are starting to be a real issue for me, and it was a small form of torture wearing Mexx dresspants for days on end on set. I swear they got tighter since the first fitting and after the first few days I resorted to wearing my yoga pants on set until they were turned around my way. I worked diligently on my baby blanket that will take me approximately 6 years to complete and is probably considerably above my skill level, but it kept me busy during the long, dull hours of courtroom shooting and the bright colours I chose (me? bright?) buoyed me. Baby seemed to like being on set, it moved around like crazy, probably all the noise and commotion. I would pull my shirt across my belly and we would watch "The Baby Show" as the little jerky movements fluttered across my stomach. Hopefully many more set days to come before baby comes, and hopefully it helps us to pay for this house....cause we'll get it and it'll be great, right? Hmmmmm....