How close are we....? (38 weeks)

It seems as though the countdown is nearing its end, things have been progressing slowly but steadily - although slowly for now is just fine with both of us. Yesterday when Gill said 'Let's have us a baby this weekend' I found myself somewhere between fainting and bursting into tears - I felt so nervous! Even though you are awaiting it and you know it is coming soon, it is still a remarkable reality to be faced with. My checkup showed me to be dilated to 3 cm and things looking good and favourable, so I just tried to finish up the last few things, get the supplies together for the birth into their little piles and get some rest - which was really the hardest part. I feel ready and not ready - but certainly as ready as one can be. I feel as good as I can about all the work I have done until now and I know that these people who surround me, family and friends calling, midwives leading, Ez supporting - it will be a beautiful thing. I feel so fortunate to have had this whole experience, it has been its own little dream - and soon it will come true!

JJ, Deirdre and Maren came by last night for dinner which was a welcome distraction from thinking about what Gill had said, from thinking about everything. They brought sushi and we sat around and talked and laughed and it was a wonderful way to wile away the time with some of our closest friends. Today the sun is fighting to show its face in the green forest behind us, the birds are singing their chorus to welcome the Yukon Baby to the world. It is a good weekend already.

38.4 - Post Midwife Appointment

Another prenatal appointment today, everything is good, heartbeat 130, good position for baby (whew!) and all sorts of things going on on the inside. After a little examination Irene discovered that there had been quite a bit of change since last week's exam - my cervix, which had been pointed toward the back and was about 2-3 cm long had moved to the centre and thinned out to .5cm . Another stretch and sweep - very intense, and a very good test of my breathing techniques - revealed further softening and opening of the cervix. It looks like they are going to come back Friday, if I can handle it (I feel a little mixed about the whole thing!) and see how things are progressing then, perhaps another final SnS, and we'll see what that does. Irene assuaged my concerns about whether I was intervening in the process by saying that small interventions like these can really help avoid larger ones in labour and can also help shorten labour in general, something midwives have known and used for centuries. It's strange though - you're stuck in this limbo of waiting but then when you're faced with knowing things like this, with the possibility that this could be the beginning (heck, it's soon one way or the other) you can't help but feel a quickening of the heart, a rush of fear and excitement and energy and...more fear?
I almost wanted to cry, just to think how this is all becoming so real. Not only will I be soon experiencing one of the greatest physical challenges of my life, but soon, I will become a mother, I will meet my child, undergo the most ancient rite of passage know to woman. I feel overwhelmed and energized, excited and nervous. I feel a dense lump in my chest where all these emotions are hanging out, waiting to be released in turn. I cannot believe I find myself here, even though I know, I have known, we've been counting the days. I just cannot believe it is my turn, the same way I have felt during all the other major events of my life, most of which have been related to career or travel, or of course, to my marriage to Ez - although none of those events have carried this weight. All shows must end, every trip comes to a close and even marriage is something you can leave, but becoming a mother is indelible, it is a tattoo on your soul - it is who you will be forever. I know that something monumental is soon to happen that will alter the course of my life in ways I cannot imagine. I sit in advance of this with a sense of awe and respect and pride and fear and I know that there will never again be a time like this, like stepping onto the soil of another planet where everything is new. I sit quietly in this space and concentrate on the peace and health and goodness of what is to come. I have every confidence in the team that surrounds me, and I know that as with everything in life, Ez will be here, my stoic and unwavering support in all things. I know he will hold my hand and wipe my tears and that together we will live every second of this and be well.

Plumbing Issues (literal ones)

Okay, I'm pretty inordinately pissed off right now. I woke up to a beautiful day, lovely blue sky (finally!) with the birds singing a chorus in the forest outside my windows. I felt good, feeling restless and wanting to get things ready I have been trying to finish up these last few things, including fixing the broken and leaky (cheap ass..) faucet that was installed with the apartment. I have been to Rona three times already (a debacle unto itself, as the woman first gave me the wrong faucet, then gave me the right one missing a part) and spent the morning clanging around under the sink, prying out the old faucet. Feeling pretty good about myself, even though I was crammed under there like an over-stuffed andouille sausage, feeling all 'Bob Villa', I get the old one out and go proudly to install my new faucet to which we can attach a hose in order to more easily fill the birth pool-- and then I discover that instead of drilling a hole where the hole in the sink is, the contractor who put in our granite counters didn't quite feel like drilling a whole hole (oh no!) but figured stuffing everything through a lazy-ass slot would be just fine. Well, I am here to say that it is not f**king fine at all, as I now cannot install a new faucet because it requires, you guessed it - A HOLE. So here I am, nine and a half months pregnant and my kitchen is torn apart and I have no working sink. Needless to say, I am not impressed - although I am able to see a certain sick irony in the fact that I am having a 'plumbing' issue...

37.6 weeks - The rollercoaster continues...

It is difficult to sit in this limbo without becomes somehow caught in an undertow of disparate feelings - fear, anxiousness, impatience, excitement, awe... I am having difficulty putting my finger on my emotional state. Last night I tried to articulate how I was feeling, as two fat tears slid down my cheeks I still could not rightly identify how it is that I am right now. It’s all a mix of emotions, a kaleidoscope of feelings that make up the brilliant rainbow of these last few weeks before baby comes. I speak of limbo as that is where I feel I am right now, not yet a mother but still waiting in the wings, an understudy in my own future, my own life, waiting to be called to the stage. I feel afraid of the day and yet not, as I felt a great wash of calm the other day during all the flux of feelings and cramps and wondering if it had all begun. I suppose at least some of the emotion comes simply from a sense of disappointment that that wasn’t it, it wasn’t happening - it’s like when you want to get pregnant, how every time you think you might be you feel a flutter in your chest, a tiny sparrow of hope and fear and the odd mix of disappointment and relief when it does not happen. This is that same little play all over again. I feel ready and not ready, prepared and not. I feel sometimes like I understand inherently the magnitude of this experience and other times I want to weep at how mundane it really all is, how commonplace, how germane. I think part of it is not really being able to actually comprehend how much love will come flooding in with this child - how can you really understand that without having experienced it for yourself? You can understand it intellectually, but how can you know what it is to be a mother, to gaze into the eyes of your very own child and know that you will see it through from start to finish? I have never been particularly good at waiting, and certainly awaiting the most monumental shift of my life is no exception. I think of a million things, I wonder who I will be after this, how my life will change and mold around this new person, how I will adjust and change and sacrifice and be. I keep reading books in which the characters happen to have very difficult relationships with their parents and I think that it has tweezed out fears in my mind that can’t possibly manifest for fifteen years, and maybe won’t at all, but it’s funny that one of my biggest fears is that my child will grow up and not love me; that all this work and worry, the natural labour, the organic food, the hopes and fears and sacrifices will fall as dried petals around me and my child will grow up and never need me, won’t love me or even like me. I know it sounds silly to be thinking of this, but somehow, it is this looming fear I have, however much the distant and unpredictable future can loom. Perhaps it is really just the fear of not living up to the many expectations I set for myself in all aspects of my life, for certainly as much as there has been success, there have been also failings, many of which haunt me inordinately. Maybe it is just an extension of those feelings, pushing tendrils out where they don’t belong, weeds in my beautiful spring garden. I only want to be a great mother, who sets my child on a path of warmth and light and love towards the beautiful future that is its birthright. I cling to my hopes for everything, I send bright rays of sunshine and stars, of love and peace to this little child who will bring us light and ask it not to listen to mommy’s crazy thoughts and fears, to hear only the good things, to come into this world with a light heart and bright smile and all the love it can hold.

37.3 - Feeling a little...weird...

Well, since the check-up yesterday, which included the stretch-n-sweep, I have been exceedingly uncomfortable. I was up for hours last night, my hip joints aching like an old lady in the rain and all day today I have had cramping and pain in my lower pelvis, enough that at 3:00 I actually called the midwife to inquire whether this was normal. It seems all is likely well, although these could certainly be the beginnings of labour. For now, especially since I don't quite feel ready, I'm putting it down to general discomfort and the possibility that baby has dropped, and likely it is just the head rubbing against my cervix, but my goodness! it has been a lot of pressure and cramping and general malaise today. It has definitely lit a fire under me though, and I feel an increased need to finish everything, although this is coupled with the fact that I'm too damned tired to actually want to do it. I want my house to be spotless, but I don't feel much like cleaning - I mean it's clean enough, but I'd love some sparkle! Maybe if I book this voice gig from today I'll splurge on Molly Maid or something...
I have heard from several quarters that the pictures are a favourite part of the blog so to make up for having no picture yesterday, I include 2 today. I think my shape has changed - can you see the difference? It'll be like 'Where's Waldo' or one of those 3D pictures you have to stare at and can't quite decide if you see anything or not. The other picture is me with my knock-off 'Hooter Hider' which I looked all over for and couldn't find - so I gave up and finally just made one myself, and I'm quite proud of it if I do say so. Ez says I should make them and call them 'The SuperBoob'...any investors?

Update - 37.2 weeks

Well, just had the midwife appointment to check everything out, we'll be having one every week now until the big day! All is well, weight, heartbeat, blood pressure, hemoglobin, proteins - attitude...it's all good. Feeling very tired most of the time, although pretty good today. Trying to keep busy and not really knowing where the time is going, but it goes by so fast, it's 6pm before I know it and I wonder what I've been doing all day. In any case, baby is still (happily) head down, if still a little transverse posterior and I am continuing to do all (okay, most of) the homework. Today we had our examination and I am 1 centimetre dilated, and we had the little 'stretch and sweep', which I can say was even less pleasurable than the perineal massage, but a necessary evil I suppose. The important thing is that Elika was able to find out what she needed to find out and we can see where we are along - still likely a ways to go, but it has begun! It was interesting though, during the exam to work with my yogic breathing and discover that it was more difficult than I expected, the breaths were much more curtailed in discomfort, although still so valuable, I'm so glad to have been working on it all this time. Baby was less than pleased to have someone poking them in the head and they kicked vigourously during and after in protest. Ah, my little fighter, already giving their opinions on the misfortunes of life...

37 weeks - good to go!

We made it! That was the rule that I set out for baby - it was not allowed to come before today, as after 37 weeks a baby is considered full term, so as of today, it is allowed to come whenever it is ready. The only issue is whether or nor we'll be ready... Some days it feels just fine and other days I think 'AHHHH!! We're not ready!' I don't feel an overwhelming need for it to be over or to meet baby - I want it to come in due time and I'm pretty okay with that. I am starting to feel uncomfortable and exceedingly tired, but still am quite happy and feel pretty good. The hardest thing is just getting comfortable sometimes, especially as I am obeying midwives' orders to spend time leaning forward to make sure that the baby does not descend spine-on-spine, which I naturally want to avoid. Supposedly posterior babies were pretty unheard of in the past, but nowadays we spend so much time sitting in chairs (as opposed to on hands and knees or tipped forward cleaning, milking etc) that it has become much more common. Needless to say, I would like to avoid back labour, so I'm spending lots of time working on that. I've been doing yoga, but can't do it as long or as vigourously as I could even two weeks ago. We're pretty much ready, we're packed for all the eventualities and we just wait now and see how it all goes!

How do you describe this feeling?

I know it's old hat for so many people. I see them, I hear them, I know them - people with older kids, people with several kids - and I know someday all this will be some distant memory and the excitement will be lost in the depths of time but right now I cannot help but feel a myriad of emotions about what is going to happen in the next few weeks. I am somehow astonished to find myself nearly at the end of my pregnancy. I am already starting to have little twinges of sadness, a sort of mourning of the loss of this intimate time with my first child, this time of being special and doted upon by friends, family and strangers alike. This time of not yet really knowing what a wondrous and incredible experience truly awaits, the time before you, baby, whoever you are.

I feel in a certain kind of limbo, neither here nor there, neither mother nor carefree single, scared but excited, waiting and not waiting. An unavoidable reality is settling in upon us and every day we look at each other with faces stunned and smiling and we marvel that soon we will meet you and we can't believe it still. How I feel about labour and delivery, about the choice of a home birth, a water birth, about life in general, about my ability to mother, to balance, about career and marriage and every little thing in between hangs in this odd balance between here and you. You. You're here, everyday, and yet not and I know that once you arrive we will hardly recall what we did before you. I dream of you every night, sometimes good things - your face, outlined somehow against the taut skin of my belly, your tiny fingers and feet poking through - sometimes scary things, like watching your swaddled yellow body roll off the edge of the bed, your tiny face awash in disbelief and betrayal. I sometimes find myself asking if I will know what to do, if I'm ready for all this and even in doubt I know it's true that I am. I feel like I am about to run the biggest, most exciting and scary river I have ever run and it feels great and daunting all at once.

I feel still remarkably wonderful for the most part, a bit uncomfortable at times, a bit full and awkward waddling around in my ill-fitting clothes in their small rotation. I feel bigger every single day and wonder how that can be. I saw a couple the other day in a store with a small, small little pink girl in the father's arms - 2 months old and so tiny! I wondered how you could possibly be any tinier than that but I know you will be. I think aside from your eyes, the eyes I cannot wait to catch and hold with my own, I think of your foot, your tiny pebble toes and how I will kiss each one in turn and make a wish upon it that you will always love me like I love you. I know someday you will grow up and become you own person and you won't need me or perhaps even like me, but for now, I know that you do and I will hold onto that with every breath and every fibre of my being and no matter what, this will be our time for wonder.

I admit I feel scared, there is so much unknown, it's like a canyon that you must run without scouting and that is a scary proposition indeed. But I am buoyed by the love and support of Ez - he's so selflessly doting and will be wonderful throughout all of this, I know - and by that of my friends and family. Whenever I look down and see these red cords about my wrists or see them on a friend, I know that someone else is thinking of us. I sat last night with the ever growing string of beads and it was like a prayer to slide my fingers across the surface of each one and say the name of the person who sent it to us and I gained energy and strength and felt the love with which they were given.

27 days left! (36 weeks+)

I'm tired.

That's almost all I have to say. I've been sleeping terribly - been up since 4 a.m. today, and getting full so it's harder to do most everything. Still not terrible bad, but definitely not the blissful easy times of before. Still, all is well and we're just waiting with a certain sense of disbelief that it could actually be this close. We've got almost everything ready, bags are packed in case we do go to hospital, we're going to get the birth pool this week, I've got the lists ready and we're just doing our final bits and pieces. It's almost impossible to believe what we are about to experience, it's at the point where we can't even really wrap our heads around it. At least not until we can wrap our arms around it, I guess!

2 more baby shower pictures...

OOH! The Baby Shower! (35 weeks)

Well, I had the most lovely baby shower this weekend! Saturday night, hosted by Chrislana, Deirdre and Marsha at Marsha's house in Deep Cove I got to gather with my wonderful group of friends and celebrate my journey towards motherhood. It was wonderful on so many levels - to sit down with the interesting and diverse group of fabulous women, all of whom are mothers and just share stories and advice, laughter and food - it was amazing.

We had lots of appys, yummy cheeses and crackers as we sipped our cocktails (and mocktails) and laughed over each other's baby photos (or in Marsha's case, 14 year-old photos). We then sat down and ate a great dinner of lasagna, chicken wings, fresh salad and garlic bread and we laughed about the funny stories that accompany birth and nursing and parenthood. Kate, who has been to Mother Blessings before guided us through the two rituals that I had requested, one of which was the beads I asked everyone to get for my talisman necklace for labour. I had asked everyone to bring a bead for me, for ez and for baby and it was so wonderful to hear everyone's stories about why they picked the beads. It was great for me to sit with them afterwards and revisit what everyone had said about them and I know that the love with which they were given will be powerful guides for me throughout. We also did a small ceremony whereby I wrapped a piece of cord, in this case red suede, around each woman's wrists and bound the whole group together before cutting them and having each woman tie the little red bracelets around their wrists where they will remain as a reminder up until the baby comes. Supposedly the custom says that they begin to fall off at the same time as the mother is getting ready to labour and they are a nice way to call to mind the expectant mom as we go through our lives. For me it has been lovely to look down and see mine on my wrists and think not only of that lovely night with my friends but also to think that they are wearing theirs in solidarity with me - I love it. And of course, there were presents - and lots of them!!

So many wonderful, thoughtful and generous gifts from our friends, it was like Christmas for me opening everything! Marsha had made a game of a group of 15 baby items on a table which once uncovered we were supposed to recall as many as possible - although the real winner was me as I got to keep everything! Diaper balms, sunscreen, burp cloths, face cloths, socks - you name it, so a lovely little grab bag of necessities there. Marsha also gave me a gift certificate for the Mommy & Baby yoga class at YogaPod which I was thrilled with - I love going to yoga there for my prenatal yoga, it has been the highlight of my week and so I am so happy that I will be able to bring baby there too to enjoy yoga with me - yay!

From Chrislana and the Gregorys we got a gift certificate to Boomers and Echoes and together with money my mom sent me I will be able to buy the Ergo Baby carrier that I had on my wish list - it's the one everyone says is the best and most comfortable so I am really happy about that too. Wendy, my fellow book-nerd (hey, it's a compliment!) gave us, of course - books - lovely board books with many tactile pages - Goodnight Moon, Pat the Bunny and the Hungry Caterpillar - for my little book club baby. Deb brought me the diaper bag from Kecci that I had seen and loved and it was filled up with lots of treats - Munchkins bum bum balm etc., some great little onesies ('I do all my own stunts') and gorgeous little brown polka dot facecloths with the softest lining - I don't want to use them! Deirdre got me another diaper bag in beautiful black and red chinois (do these girls know me or what?) that I can use for smaller trips and it too was filled with lots of diaper goodies, including a pack of the teensiest little newborn diapers that we will need for the first weeks until we get the cloth diapers we intend to use. Kate, in addition to the myriad other things she has passed along to us already gave us some soft yellow swaddlers and a tiny organic cotton kimono that is so sweet. Pierce, her 2 year-old son also picked out the funkiest little toy rattle for baby, some hanging rings and a soother that closes up when dropped. And Tracy gave us a bag brimming with lovely shi-shi baby diaper goods like organic bum balms and bath products, a sitz bath that I had looked all over for, the breast pads she likes best, so soft and smooth - a whole kits of things for a new mommy who doesn't know what to use. Everything everyone gave was so thoughtful and generous and between that and the beads and the whole party I was awake in the middle of the night just thinking about it all and standing in the baby's room just looking at the bounty of goods we'd been given. I felt surrounded by love and support from all my friends and of course, from the family and friends who could not be there but sent their love just the same.

I thought I would be overwhelmed by it all, but I really just felt a wash of confidence and love and security in the knowledge that this fine group of women would be here to be, as Tracy put it in her card - our 'village' - which is all we could ask for or need as we await this momentous time in our lives - now 34 days and counting!! What a lucky baby indeed!