Sleep Saga -- continued

Here are the entries from my journal of the last few days. We're still trying to teach Nahanni to soothe herself...I think it's working but it's awfully hard.

Saturday July 28/07

Went down well at 7 pm, back up at 7:15 and ongoing until 10:30 pm when she'd escalated so far that I had to swaddle her for the first time since she was 4 weeks old. So fiery! She fell almost immediately to sleep - why does she fight it? I have to say , I miss our happy good sleeper... Also, I cuddle her all day, wear her in the sling - and then at night - poof! - you're on your own? Hmmmm....

later...

Nahanni up at 1am, 4am and 6am - argh! I liked the old way better - it was easier and she slept almost through the night.

Sunday July 29/07

6:34 pm - Nahanni went peacefully to sleep in the co-sleeper. She had a bath for 1/2 hour and loved it, played and splashed fearlessly. Nursed hungrily but was fidgety and unruly and I knew she was tired - my mom's words kept echoeing in my head - 'Just nurse her to sleep, it's what she wants!' and so I thought 'why not?' considering she'd been so miserable since the sleep thing started, what, only four days ago?

later...

The nightmare continues. Up again at 7pm and just crying throughout until 9:15, no matter what I did, even when I gave her what she wanted. Perhaps she's going to bed too early? But she was tired at 6:30, I could tell - what could I do?

later...

...And then it got worse. Finally slept at 9:30 because I nursed her again, but when Ez finally got home at 10 (a whole other story of unhappiness) he accidentally woke her up, so another hours of fussing. Then she woke up again at 1am and was up til 2:30. I'd gotten her down once the cheater way but I moved her too soon and had to start all over again (guess that's where the 'self-soothing that we're trying to teach her really shows its importance). I was getting moodier and moodier, especially when I was still up at 4:30... and then she woke up again at 6am.
This kid who used to sleep like a dream is now killing me with her 'I don't sleep' thing - it's like a test of wills. at 6:00 I put her beside me (she ate well at both 4 and 6) and did what we used to do and she finally slept until 9:15 when the damned phone rang - and in truth it woke me up more than her, but I thought I ought to get her going on the day so she'd be tired at night.

Monday July 30/07

11:00 am - I could she was tired, so tired, so I tried to feed her but she was too fussy. So Ez rocked her until she was almost asleep and then put her down. She's still crying but we'll keep trying. Oh - 6 minutes and then asleep. Not bad.

11:31 am - touch wood - still sleeping!!

1:00 pm - still sleeping! (tired girl!) Woke her up, afraid she'd sleep too long and besides, we wanted to spend some family time together. We went to Lynn Canyon and just breathed in that gorgeous green air.

5:37 - 6:12 pm - Naptime went well - waited till she was tired and yawning - cried for 2 minutes, barely.

8:08 pm - Bathed her and then Ez bounced her until she was almost asleep. She's unhappy but not screaming. She obviously more tired than the other nights - perhaps I was putting her down too early.

8:30 pm - She cried moderately from 8:08 on and after 10 minutes I went in just to reassure her that se were still here but I think it seemed only to have made it worse - she started to cry lustily after that. It's awful, it's like torture to just sit here and listen. It especially breaks my heart when she stumbles on the syllables 'mummummum' - it kills me, like needles in the heart. I feel like she's crying out to me 'Momma, I need you! I'm scared!'. I called the midwives today out of desperation - trying to find some opinions I valued. Still more of the 'power through it' school, saying that one of them had let it go too long with their youngest and eventually had to get a sleep consultant (there's one for everything, I guess). She reiterated that it is hard, but much worse when they are older...
I abhor the thought that she feels abandoned by me, it really pulls at all my fears as a mother - ohgodimwarpingherlittlepsyche - kind of thing. I hate it. I adore this child, her little round face and big trusting eyes. I never want her to doubt me.

8:48 pm - Finally she sleeps. I stood in the door the last 10 mintues, I almost went in and picked her up but I saw that she was sliding in and out - crying mostly out of will, so I stood back and just imagined sending her
waves of white light and love, warmth and support. I pictured it washing over her, embracing her into her dreams where I could not. Ez reminds me that we are teaching her and learning is hard. I just don't know who it is harder on - her or me. Every time a ragged sob escapes her lips it pierces me, every tiny shudder echoes in my heart. I hate it, I hate this process. I promise her silently that I will make up for it with a ridiculous amount of love in her life. I placate myself with that and the knowledge that she won't even remember.
She won't, but I will.

Sleep Creases...

Okay, clearly I don't really subscribe to the 'let them cry it out' method of sleep teaching, but let's say it were to happen...here's a scenario:
Start by deciding to finally dye your hair - you know, the hair that you had done sometime last century that has grown like a weed and seems to be spontaneously manifesting 'non-pigmented hair' (LA term, not mine). Yes, that hair. First try to make appointments and figure out how you can really spare the amount of time it takes in a salon, then give up and decide to break down and just do it yourself, like in the old days. Get about halfway through the ridiculous process of trying to salvage your highlights (because you like them, goddammit) and have baby wake up. This way there is really nothing you can do except take off one glove and rub sad little belly. Walk away somewhat helpless and somewhat hard-hearted and finish hair. Stand outside door occasionally, staring at clock. Finish hair. Realize that baby has done the impossible and soothed herself into sleep. Feel guilty and elated all at the same time. Go and check that baby is breathing. Wish you could have a vodka. Read book instead. Sigh and realize that this won't even be the hardest part of parenting...

Teaching a Baby to Sleep - the Keegan Method

I know there's a better way - I'm sure of it...
After reading Dr. Sears' advice (see www.askdrsears.com) I felt much better - I have enjoyed and subscribed to his style of parenting in general; co-sleeping, baby-wearing etc. and I forgot to look to him yesterday when I was researching this whole issue. A voice of reasonin the midst of those advocating the 'cry it out method' that made us all miserable yesterday. He points out that nightwaking has survival benefits for young babies and that parenting is not just a daytime job - we need to parent at night too, and that can include feedings or cuddles if need be. Certainly as with everything in parenting, you must use reason and caution and moderation, but I have to agree that throwing a child to the wolves of loneliness and tears is potentially a recipe for a child that simply associates sleep time with bad times.
Nahanni woke me this morning at 7 am and had a good feed. I lay beside her afterwards and let her play with my hands while I closed my eyes (okay, I peeked) to show her it was still sleepy time. She played happily and quietly for about 20 minutes and began to drift off on her own, sucking contentedly on her fingers. I rubbed her beautiful round cheek a few times and she closed those gorgeous big eyes, already turning brown, laced with fine lashes - and she slept. NO screaming, no crying. Just my usual happy baby - and she woke up the same way.
Now obviously I know that she will have to learn to sleep on her own, but I think a gentler approach will be more successful for us all around. I'm not going to torture my little girl so that I can catch a few extra Zs. We will learn together how to help her gain independence, like we will learn all the things.
Stay tuned for future episodes to see how well we do...

Let's talk about Sleep...Baby

I said before on this blog that having a child is what will make you feel most vulnerable in life - throwing yourself in front of a moving emotional vehicle. I learned today that trying to teach your young baby to sleep on their own is emotionally quite devastating.
Up to this point Nahanni has slept so well, I have felt so fortunate, almost wanting to whisper about it when people would ask, lest the gods hear and change my good fortune. Well, I guess they heard me whispering because lately I have begun to see that Nahanni didn't seem to sleep as well unless she...well, had a boob in her mouth. I guess nursing at night (which, truthfully, helped me survive the post-hemmhorage time and the bouts of mastitis) and nursing her to sleep during our naptime in the afternoons seem to have facilitated this for her - she had begun to flail and whimper if she woke without this comfort in her mouth and I began to get less and less sleep at night. It finally occurred to me that perhaps I was causing this by what I was letting her get used to and when I went looking around about this issue I discovered that there was a lot of talk about not doing this, that is was a dangerous road to travel, making it so that your child could not fall asleep on their own. Everywhere I looked the advice was the old 'cry it out' method of teaching your child to sleep and I have to tell you, I tried it today and it was like stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. My poor little girl had a very tough time of it, and really when I think about it, it isn't surprising. Here is a child that since the beginning has been rocked or nursed to sleep - and has slept very well and been quite contented - and suddenly I am expecting her to learn to do without this - and not protest vociferously? She's only four months old for cripes sake! Really? Is this what I should do? I put her in her crib when I knew she was tired this morning, I knew she was fed and clean - but she cried inconsolably until I had to give up and get her ready for an appointment. I rubbed her belly, I soothed and shook and sang and finally left - it was awful. We tried again for the afternoon nap and it was another frustrating episode that lasted almost two hours of intermittent sleeping, waking and crying - this is a little girl who doesn't give up easily. Again I tried it tonight - fed her, bathed her and read stories and sang to her and when I knew she was tired I tried to put her into her crib (with the intention of moving her back to the co-sleeper when I went to bed) and really - no dice. It was emotionally draining for everyone involved, especially Nahanni, who cried and cried and sobbed and gasped off and on for 2 more hours...really, really horrible. I kept feeling that this could not possibly be the way to maintain trust in this situation, to give her a sense of security and faith in her sleeping times, but it seemed to be how everyone was saying to do it. I can be honest, I hated every second of letting my child go through that, it was really devastating for me and I can't help but think I tortured her all day for nothing. Had I not done it, I would have had a happy, quietly contented child who almost never cried... I know that the intention is right, that I am trying to do what is right for her, teaching her how to soothe herself into sleep, teaching her a measure of independence - but is it too early? Is it too much? How can she trust me, how can she feel secure with that as a strategy? I sat there, staring at her face as the tears ran down her cheeks, her eyes red, her breath ragged and I couldn't help but question this method. I finally gave up and took her into my arms, her tiny body shaking with each little sob and I rocked her to sleep. I know I wasn't supposed to, but goddamit, I couldn't do it to her anymore. I will teach her, but I don't think this is the way for me.
Nahanni, my sweet, my darling girl, please forgive me for all these little indignities that I do to you for you. Please always know that I love you, wildly, ridiculously and that every mistake I make will be because of that. Please forgive me for these times; gloss over my stumbles with your full-faced, gummy little smile. Trust me, believe in me, let me know that you do - and I will find my way.

Working Mother's Guilt...Continued

Seems like that is a part of motherhood that never ends...we all worked a lot this week, as I consider that when I am working, so too is Nahanni, as is Ez. They are long days for us all. Monday was 15 hours, and though she was good as gold, it is still hard and it begins to add up. Tuesday was another twelve hour day and by the and both Nahanni and her dad were a bit at the end of their ropes. I think after that much time she just begins to miss me and even though he had a bottle I'd expressed for her, what she really wanted was momma and by the time we wrapped and I reached the trailer I could hear hear wailing and Daddy getting frustrated. It was awful for us all, I scooped her up and she stopped crying instantly and settled into my shoulder but I almost cried, feeling so bad for putting her in this position. Then, of course, the voice gig that I couldn't do when she was born came through - on Wednesday, and then BSG changed their dates from the 26th to - you guessed it - Thursday (15 more hours...) so it was a busy and challenging week for us all. Kate was a godsend on Wednesday and came over here to watch Nahanni for me - I knew she would give her love - but it was still awful. I was getting ready to leave and Nahanni was in Kate's arms and when she turned her face to me her little bottom lip was stuck right out and there were fat tears trembling at the corners of her eyes; and then she started to cry. It was just plain a terrible feeling - to feel like I had no choice but to leave my child feeling so sad as she was, especially after those long days already. By the time I left I had fat tears in my eyes, but Kate called me about 7 minutes later to say that Nahanni had calmed down almost immediately and that she was fine. They ended up having a lovely nap together and Daddy came home early, so all was well, but those guilt tokens keep adding up. I called my mom in tears on the way to that gig, feeling like a horrible mother, feeling like I'm selling my child's earliest baby days for money...but what do I do? I don't get mat-leave and the gigs are so lucrative... On BSG I can bring her and see her throughout the day - who can do that on their job? Plus I really only have worked 7 days out of her 100 odd days of life, and daddy has been with her all but one - and I was with her most of that day as it was. I know all the rationalizations, I know that I am doing what I have to do for my family and for her, but still, it is not as easy to reconcile when I see her upset. To her credit she and Daddy had a great day on Thursday, they went home for a nap and left a few hours before I wrapped and they had a lovely time ('Daddy-Daughter Days' he calls them) and so I felt better. I don't have to work again for - who knows how long, except for voice gigs which are so quick I don't feel so bad. They keep offering me jobs, so that is hard to turn down, it's like free money. Nahanni is doing well overall and we are thankful for the opportunity - but I can't help but feel guilty and wonder if time will tell me whether I made the right decision or not. I certainly feel that I spend every day marveling at this lovely girl and enjoying her growth and loving her. I don't feel all 'Cats in the Cradle' per se, I do feel like a cognizant parent and as long as she is mainly handling it well (one hour out of more than 40 is doing pretty well, I think?) then we'll keep doing it. Nothing more articulate than that - we just do what we have to do. Certainly I recognize also that many women must go back to worse jobs than mine, by far, with younger babies and longer hours, so I continue to count the blessings that are there.
Otherwise, Nahanni si doing marvelously well. I cannot believe how big she is getting, so quickly too! She rolls over here and there, although she isn't terribly interested - but now that she has discovered she can hold her head up and look aroud, maybe that will change! She continues to be a really easy, contented child and I continue to wonder how we could have gotten so very lucky to have her. She is really a dream baby and I thanks the stars every day for her.

Where did my little baby go?

It is no surprise to me that Nahanni is growing all the time and that this time seems to have passed so quickly - it is,however, astonishing the rate at which this seems to be happening. When I picked up her sleeping form from her swing last night I was struck by the weight of her, the length of her against me and it brought sharp, quick tears to my eye. Of course, baby time is the smallest segment of her life, the thing she willbe the least of and so it is doubly cruel how fast it goes. For some reason I want so badly to savour her smallness, her innocence, her baby essence before she becomes a little girl, but it is happening at such lightning speed I can't keep up. Adrian just emailed me a picture he took of Nahanni when we went to Salt Spring (8 weeks old) and she was entranced by the luggage tag on her car seat. I look at that baby and think 'Where did she go?' - she's grown so much since then. You can see it in her newly chubby cheeks, her chubby little belly and legs, in the fullness of her face. She talks constantly now, last night so loudly that she woke Ez up from a dead sleep. She laughs and coos and really is trying to tell stories and communicate; it's the most wonderful sound! She has also discovered herself in the mirrored toy (yet another toy from Pierce and Kate) in her crib - the tag no longer works, but her reflection does. She lies in there and chats away to herself, trying occasionally to roll over, using the slats of the crib for leverage. She has little patience in general for lying down though, she wants now to be up and looking around all the time. We had another day on BSG Wednesday (and 2 more next week, plus the next episode...) and she was again as good as gold - although we are getting fearful for the coming months when it won't be so easy to keep her locked up in a trailer all day long. She has been the most wonderful, brilliant baby, I constantly thank my lucky stars for her. Of course, every mother feels that way (and should) but additionally, the universe saw fit to give me a child who is very easy, patient and content. She is an amazing sleeper (touch wood - she slept until 10:00 am the other morning) and I can take her anywhere. My mom says that with all the trouble I had early on, I deserve such a good baby...I don't care why it happened, I'm just so grateful that it did. I love this child, ridiculously, expansively, ferociously. It is the best journey I've ever been on - but why does it have to go so damned fast??

Let the bitching begin...

Okay, what the hell happened to my body??!? I know, I know - I just had a baby...can I still say that? At what point are you just holding on to that as an excuse - like 6 months after coming back from living abroad I was still saying 'I just came back from Europe' and it was pointed out to me that 'just' was no longer applicable. I am trying to give myself some leeway, some personal understanding and forgiveness especially considering that I have really only been on my feet and well for about 6 weeks, and considering it still is exhausting to me to walk up to the library - but still!
I watched a ludicrous show the other day in a fit of desperately lazy afternoon TV - something about Hollywood Baby Boom or some such nonsense about how much money stars spend on their showers ($40,000?) and baby wardrobes and nurseries and how 8 weeks later Heidi Klum was back on the Victoria's Secret runway and really, I just feel pissed off by it. I know that is neither politically correct to say nor terribly articulate but I must say that it is the boiled down truth. Watching it was a bit like watching a car accident; my masochistic side couldn't stop, it was morbidly fascinating. Clearly I am nowhere near getting into shape and though I am trying not to obsess about it, but I can feel that western woman self-loathing sadness creeping in when I go to yoga and see my fleshy self in those giant mirrors - the same mirrors where not so long ago I rejoiced in the rotundity of my curves. Now they feel like they should come with some sort of warning sign - Peligro! Mas gras!!
And to make matters worse, there's all the strange post-partum...oddities. I have made every effort to be completely honest and frank here, but I'm not sure I am ready yet to actually proclaim what's bothering me in that department. Needless to say, I'm not anxious to be explored in the nether regions. When my midwife asked me recently (well, if 6 weeks ago is recently...see! I 'just' had a baby??) if I had thought about contraception, I laughed and replied 'Contraception? I haven't even thought about sex!' Sad, but true - all these body issues, along with sleep deprivation and days that seem to only have 7 hours in them - I'm not really ready to board that train just yet. Sure, we've made several abortive attempts, interrupted for a variety of reasons, but really, I feel...well, strange. Not quite myself again yet. I also feel so completely attached to Nahanni, like she's with me all the time, how do you make the transition in the mind (and body) to being a sexual being again? How do you take these breasts which have fed and nourished her and turn off their mommy-ness and turn on their sexy-touch-me-ness? It's not an obvious transition - at least for me. I thing that the hardest part of the coming time for me as a woman will be balance - finding that magical sweet spot between being Nahanni's wonderful, loving and doting mother - and Keegan, a vibrant, open, sexual individual. As always, I am learning the balance - most wonderfully demonstrated last week in yoga - holding Nahanni in my arms, nursing, while I did standing poses - even warrior. I remember thinking - this is the embodiment of motherhood - somehow finding a way to balance without falling over or dropping your kid.
I'll let you know how I do.

The beginnings of a kayaker...?

Here it is - we caught Nahanni on video - her second day of rolling ever! Also some pictures of our little picnic in Cates park that Daddy surprised us with - sweet!

Nahanni's first milestone

We certainly didn't have to wait long for the first major milestone of Nahanni's young life - and mommy feels like it's already happening so fast, so soon, my head is spinning. Yesterday when I went to mommy and me (or the boob group, as I call it) when I put her down on the floor and turned my head to set down my bag when I looked back to her she was rolled over onto her side, something she'd never even been trying before - it totally caught me by surprise and I sort of yelped, I was so surprised, but really I set it aside thinking it was no big deal, that I must have put her down a little on her side. AH, but then last night, back at home I had placed her on the couch beside me and didn't she do it again and then again - rolling right over onto her belly! It was crazy - all of a sudden we have a (albeit only slightly) mobile baby. It was wonderful at least that both daddy and I were there to see it - although I was whispering 'get the camera! get the camera' and of course, Ez was sagacious enough to point out that had he gone to get the camera, he would have missed the real life event - something I think we all need to keep in mind in this age of technology. I am still going to try and capture it for the benefit of those loved ones far away who can't see it for themselves - you'll be quite impressed.
I'm fascinated my this learning of hers, watching her tiny steps, discovering her hands and feet (she now grabs them with her hands, another new thing) and marveling at these little milestones while thinking at the same time of the dichotomy - the fact that someday she will roll, then sit, then crawl, walk, run...leave. All these little things will disappear into the ether of time and seem so much less significant then they do now. Someday she will be grown and driving and doing whatever techie things kids of her generation do, and I'll be left with a brief memory of watching her last night, newly chubby legs churning the air, one arm flailing, drool dripping onto the couch - and wonder where went my little girl, lamenting the passage of time - hers and mine.
Ah, but then I suppose Ez and I will be off on some new great adventure and that'll help ease the pain...

3 months so quickly comes

Well, three months have gone by so quickly, even though I really was paying attention, it's hard to see how fast the changes come until some new thing happens. This Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market in Trout Lake (awesome!) and I saw a woman with a 12 day old baby in her arms and I looked down at Nahanni and realized that I no longer have a newborn, I have a baby - when did that happen? I am happy that she is growing and learning but at the same time I want to keep her small forever, tiny and vulnerable in my arms. I love the way people smile at you when you have a new baby, the way you feel so wonderful and special. I remember Tracy saying 'Enjoy it, because soon you'll just be another person with a kid', and I see how it's true. I wonder where my little, little girl went so fast - she's so sturdy now (well, in comparison) and so much fatter - like a little sack of potatoes - pudgy beneath my fingers, no longer so thin and sharp as in those early days.
So far I have still been enjoying it very much, although the last few days I have begun to see the dark edges creeping in - just in the fact that I am starting to get bored by the end of the day, I run out of things to do with her and I start looking at the clock, waiting for Ez to get home, to have a bit of a break. She's still a remarkably good baby and I thank my lucky stars for that, but I do see that it can get tedious at times, that you want to start doing your own things, that you can get bored or tired and want your own time and space for a while. She has been a dream - I can move her, sleeping in her carseat, put her into the baby sling and go our for a few hours and put her, still sleeping, back into the carrier - so that obviously expands my personal horizons in terms of what I can do. She's sleeping wonderfully still, and the co-sleeper has been great, allowing us all to be together and for me to get some sleep on my own in whatever position I like - wonderful after the pregnancy and then the early weeks with her asleep on my chest. I think it was harder on me than it was on her - I thought she might cry and fuss, but she was sweet as candy as usual and it was only I who shed a tear putting her into the 'big girl' (hah) bed for the first time.
Last night was my first bad night for me, the insomnia that has plagued me in the past crept in last night when I woke to feed her at 3 am (I think this is the growth spurt of 3 months as she's been skipping that one for a while) - I just couldn't get back to sleep and worse still, I felt this horrible creeping sadness that I couldn't shake - it scared me, especially since I couldn't really identify it, where it came from, what it meant. I think perhaps it is tied to watching your child grow, you can't help but understand your own ageing and mortality in a new light. Perhaps it was that, perhaps I was just tired - I certainly hope it is not PPD, somthing which rightly terrifies me. So far I feel fine, I awoke to a beautiful, smiling baby and was happy to see her and be with her. I feel like things are going really well for us and we are quite content and so I sit in that space and concentrate on that. I know the blues will come here and there, and I hope they'll be few and far between