The countdown is down to days...40 of 'em (ah!)

40 days.

It seems like a significant number, like our own version of Lent or something. 40 little days left of both waiting and not waiting. Of counting down looking forward and of trying to throw on the brakes for this last little bit of time before everything in life changes. It's wild to try to wrap my head around what a significant event awaits us in both the birth of this child and our arrival as a family. I feel a wide mixture of feelings that run the gamut from fear to bliss and everything in between. Sometimes I feel like it is still forever away, the way it felt like Christmas would never come when you were a kid; that sense of all-encompassing anticipation that grips you day and night while you wait and count the sleeps til the event. In other ways I find myself suddenly gripped with a certain trepidation, an "I'm not quite ready" sort of reckoning, like the exam that creeps toward you and you never feel quite ready for, no matter how much you've studied.

And believe me, I've been studying. I've never read so many books on one subject in my life (although, this is arguably the most significant event I've encountered about which I technically know nothing) - 'Spiritual Midwifery', 'Birthing from Within', 'The New Active Birth', 'The Water Birth Book', 'Hypnobirthing', 'Best Evidence', 'Misconceptions' - you name it, I've read it. I feel as prepared and informed as anyone could be and yet I feel at the same time wholly unprepared, as though every word I have poured into my brain has leaked out somewhere else and when I need it it will be nowhere to be found. And of course, outside influences continue to roll in, everyone has an opinion on my birth. The concensus seems to be that I should just have an epidural and be done with it, and everyone seems to feel quite comfortable in telling me this. It's hard to keep up my resolve against what sometimes feels like a tidal wave of contrary opinions, but I keep holding onto my firm belief that this can and will be a beautiful, powerful and empowering event that will test every fibre of my being - and one in which I know I can succeed with the love and support of those around me, of Ez and of my midwives. I feel that I possess a deep well of power that I can access and with it and through it I will meet my child. It is an awesome prospect, an awesome task and an amazing opportunity to see what it is I am made of.

Today as I was walking along (er, waddling really) I could feel a great pressure in my pelvis, the hard round shell of my belly tightening beneath my palm and like a neon sign it flashed in my brain: 'My body is preparing to birth this baby' - and I almost started to cry in the parking lot. "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" all my fears bubbling to the surface, yet held afloat too by the wonderful promise of finally meeting this little soul who is destined to me mine, a child we made who only I could grow and only I can birth.

I bought a little bracelet today that I had seen in a shop some time ago and kept thinking of - each link a delicately scripted word: dream, laugh, enjoy, peace, hope, joy - each link a small reminder to me of what I need to see me through these last weeks and onward into motherhood. I run my fingers across each word and try to absorb them through my skin.

The stroller is here!

Well, you might know that I have a story to go along with the whole stroller thing...
It's funny because I thought I was being so good about the whole thing - I had looked all over for what I wanted, listened to everyone's stories about why they liked or didn't like their stroller and I was trying to be sane about the whole thing. Having gone with Tracy and Adrian just before Talulla was born to find their stroller (a day which sent me home weeping - I think the whole experience was sort of overwhelming for me at the time; my friends having a baby, the sheer volume of things you supposedly needed etc.) I knew that it could be a big decision - and I knew they weren't cheap. I had discovered the Bugaboo stroller that all the West-Van and Kits shi-shi girls have and I have to admit, I wanted one too. What with the reversible handles, bassinet, off-road capability and more, I thought this would be a great all-around only-one-you'll-need kind of stroller - until I gawped at the price - a whopping $1000+ (plus accessories, if you must have things like a cup-holder). So needless to say, I wasn't going to be getting a Bugaboo, even out of principal. So I looked at the Rock Star (designed by the guys from Bon Jovi) which is like a Bugaboo lite, but even that will set you back a cool $600. So I was kind of stumped. I knew friends who had paid $500+ for their strollers and ended up hating them and there were various opinions about waiting to really know - so I was trying to wait. I decided we would just sling it until we needed the stroller and then we'd worry about it, no big deal. I breathed. I let it go.

Then one night a few weeks ago Ez started in with a little nesting instinct of his own. He was saying how he would like to see us get the bags packed, get the lists ready and really be on top of things. He asked questions about what we had, most of which were quite vaguely answered by yours truly. 'Well, Tracy and Adrian have a NB carseat for us so we don't need that--' (beat) 'Do we have it here?' (beat) 'Er, well, not yet--' (beat) 'Well, then we don't have a car seat then do we?'

Okay then, on to the stroller. 'Do we have a stroller?' he asks, and I tell him all the things as detailed above. This does not seem to impress him, he eyes me dubiously and explains that he would like to have that done and ready to go for when baby comes, one less thing to do, he figures. It's pretty logical and if it makes him happy, I say okay. So I hop online and start looking around again, hoping to stumble onto a Rock Star on craigslist or ebay. I am not long in my internet travels
when I come across a stroller that interests me on ebay. It seems to have all the features that so appealed to me in the other strollers I have researched and I see that the bidding ends in 7 minutes. I scarcely notice as Ez slides behind me to go to the bathroom, as I am involved in my little discovery, trying to find out where the bids lie at this point. I enter an exploratory bid, sure that I have already been considerably over-bid, as often happens when something is at a good base price. Imagine my surprise when I discover that I am the highest bidder - what!? - and with only 3 minutes to go. By the time Ez comes back from the bathroom, I have to sheepishly inform him that in that small interval in time since our conversation, I seem to have...er, bought a stroller.

'What?' he exclaims, somewhat apoplectic at this news. 'What do you mean?'

Translation: Lucy, you have some 'splainin' to do....

Luckily we are both able to laugh at this whole fiasco, even me who has not had pleasant experiences with ebay in the past. $105 USD and $65 for shipping - which turns out to be approximately $200 Canadian, and thus, a gift from Nanabanana and my mom (soon to be a 'GiGi'). Ah, but then comes the waiting for it to arrive and wondering if it will simply be a girl-sized replica or some other nightmare. But here it is, and it is literally how it was in the pictures - and it's great! I'm so pleased, it really is 'the Mercedes of strollers' and I think it will suit us just fine. And for $200 bills, heck, you can't go too far wrong. Yay for us!!

33 Weeks and counting!

Well, how can you not count when it gets this close? It seems that the time is racing by at this point, although it is still almost two months yet to go, so technically lots of time, but I have a feeling it can easily get away from you! We are just getting ready as best we can. I am feeling very good, although I noticed last week that I do not seem to be able to do the things I could even a week before that. It is a hard adjustment for me to say, not be able to go as deep into a yoga pose as I usually can, or bend over and fill the cat's water dish. I have to remind myself often that things aren't 'usual', that there is indeed a new normal that has to be acknowledged - I am more than 8 months pregnant and that necessarily involves some adjustments in what I can do. I really have felt wonderful and it has been really nice to go out to auditions or to Tracy's birthday party yesterday and have people say that I look beautiful, I guess pregnancy looks good on me, which is a wonderful thing to think. I was always worried I'd be one of those bloated, fat rotund wobblers, but it seems not to be the case, so I guess lucky me! The worst complaint I have had is the incessant insomnia, but I suppose my body is preparing for having to be up in the night with the baby, so I suppose it comes with the territory. I firmly believe that the body knows what to do so I trust it as best I can and am using that as my guide for labour as well.

I felt bad after my semi-rant of last week after the hospital tour, as the last thing I mean to do is sound sanctimonious, particularly since I, of course, have yet to actually experience labour, so what the hell do i really know? However, I continue to feel very well-read and well-informed and I trust in the experience and expertise of my mid-wifery team and in my strength and resolve as a woman. I feel confident in the decisions we are making about this birth and I welcome the opportunity to give birth in a environment that will soothe me while undergoing this massive life-altering experience. I feel empowered by the thought of being the only one able to birth this child into being and I really feel positively about my intentions for the birth. Certainly I know from the wedding (our beautiful nightmare) that things don't always do as planned and I am certainly no fool, but I'm going in with best-case scenario thoughts, definitely.

Life has been busy of late, with many voice auditions and a gig as 'Mindy Mint Chocolate Chip' of Yummi-land's soon to be famous (www.yummi-land.com) Ice Cream Pop Girls. It was tremendous fun to go into the studio and record this sugar-sweet little voices for the up-coming DVD (and, fingers crossed, animated series!) and it was wonderful for me to see the little prototype doll they had there of here. The dolls are seriously sweet and so cute, I think they'll be a hit and it was very cool to finally be a doll. One more thing to check off the list. I even had an audition as a pregnant wife for a movie this week, so that would be a fun thing to do before baby comes and something for posterity, no doubt. I feel good, I'm getting excited about the baby shower that Chrislana, Deirdre and Marsha are throwing for us on the 3rd of March and I feel really excited that before too too long we will get to meet this lovely little soul who is our destiny to raise. Good times!

Post Hospital-tour decisions

So finally, we had our hospital tour yesterday, something we had been unable to hook up for such a long time, I was anxious to get it done, to understand what there was available to me for the birth. I had phoned Lions Gate Hospital a few weeks ago about getting permission to set up a birthing tub there so that I could have the water birth that I have always talked about and though the woman I spoke with was very nice and I could tell she was unhappy to have to deliver the news, ultimately, I was told that the bottom line was 'No' that should I give birth in the hospital, a water birth was to be unavailable to me for a variety of reasons. I was really disappointed by that news, needless to say, and I was in a snit for hours, ranting about how this was supposed to be a progressive part of a progressive city in a progressive country in the 21st Century and how I couldn't believe that I couldn't have both a hospital and a water birth. With all the information I have been reading about birthing, all the books that were recommended to me by my midwives which detail how much more salubrious alternative birthing options are for the mother and the baby, I could not believe my ears. Granted, I am well aware of how much the conventional model of childbirth dominates the landscape, despite the fact that the more natural methods, while technically better for mother and baby, are not held to be the norm and in fact, are rarely discussed outside the mainstream. It seems that Canada is among the last of the industrialized nations in the modern world to embrace midwifery on the whole and so many women are unaware and uneducated about the options available as well as the risks involved with conventional births and their 'cascading intervention' scheme. I simply lament that more women are not getting this information and are not taking advantage of a wonderful experience with midwifery. I wonder how many women are really 'in the know' about conventional practices and if they are truly informed about the medical interventions so readily offered and accepted. I know that what I have learned through my midwives and through reading about the alternatives I would never have even heard of through traditional sources, including the traditional ob-gyn relationship, which typically (although certainly not always) highlights only the version which best suits this medical model and not the 'motherhood' model. This was clearly the case at LGH, even as they are actually a very midwifery-friendly hospital. I digress, but you can see why I felt so disappointed and dismayed.

The point of this whole rant being (other than truly wishing more women could at least be truly informed of the alternatives) that because I really wanted to have a water birth and was clearly not able to get one in hospital, I had begun to really embrace the notion of staying home and having what I wanted. Ez has been tremendously supportive and together, we began to feel that if I were going to remain home until 5-7cm, why not just stay home altogether as long as everything is going well. As the days went by, I began to look at the spot where we were thinking to put the pool and imagining my child being born into the calm and beautiful environment in which we live. I began to imagine lying in my own bed with my own sheets and pillows, using my own toilet and shower and kitchen. Having all the comforts of home available with the wonderful benefit of first class medical care in the form of my midwives. I began to really envision this birth as a possibility, something I had previously always danced around, somewhat the victim of conventional thinking myself. I can admit that the clicks and clucks I receive when I talk of a natural birth, not to mention a home birth, do make me wonder sometimes. Truly wrapping my head around a home birth I began to ask questions too, began to wonder if it was safe etc etc etc. So I did my homework, looked into what the stats say (home births are as safe or safer than hospital births, with only about 1% of births ever requiring emergency transport and most transports being of a non-emergency nature) asked questions of my midwife who has had 3 successful home births herself, two of which were in water ("I would never give birth on dry land again" - very convincing to me!) and I began to see that this was a very real option for me, for us. I could see it in my mind's eye - and I liked it.

When we had our midwifery appointment yesterday (also in my own home, something I love - to share coffee and muffins and sit on the couch like we're discussing a normal part of life, not a medical disease or clinical problem) and I was surprised and delighted to be informed by Gill that my phone call (leave it to me to be the squeaky wheel) has sparked the hospital to face the fact that times are changing and that they would have to form a real policy on this issue and recognize that women were going to begin to ask for it. I was informed that my timely phone call, in addition to some other pokings-around throughout the lower mainland had forced the issue somewhat, and that I was going to be able to have a water birth in hospital afterall - they would find a way to accommodate me and my request! I was really pleased to hear this, pleased that the ball was now rolling for my option and that of other women...

But I had really started thinking about this home birth. I liked what I'd heard and liked what I'd read and was beginning to sum up the courage to step outside the norm in such a monumental situation. We asked all the questions, really weighed our options and we said that we would go on the hospital tour and see how it felt, know what there was there for us and that we would still pack a bag for the hospital, not at all precluding that option either. So off we went - we sat through the information session, surrounded by other couples juggling coffees, rubbing bellies, taking notes. It was well done and informative, and we listened and heard what she had to say before heading up to the L&D ward to view the birthing rooms. The longer we were there, the more clinical the whole experience started to feel to me and the more uneasy I became with the idea of birthing there (other than the obvious fact that LGH has a reputation as wonderful care facility with excellent medical staff, an obviously integral and vital part of the experience). As we rounded a corner, trailing lazily behind the rest of the group, I heard Ez greeting someone and was surprised to look up and see Gillian Welsh, one of our midwives standing behind the nursing station, looking bright and hale in her pink scrubs. "What do you think?" she asked me, and the first thing that fell out of my mouth was "I think I'm having a home birth". And there it was.

It's all I have really been able to think about, it's really a very big change of course and I was never sure I would have the courage to do it (still don't technically, I won't hold myself to anything but what happens on the day) but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. I love the idea of waking up in my own bed with my beautiful new baby, of not sharing a room, of not being in a setting reserved generally for sick people. This is a wellness experience, and I want to live in all the gorgeousness of it in an environment that is conducive to that experience. I feel confident that the care I am receiving with my midwives is as good (in fact is the very same) as I would get in hospital and that they in all their years of experience and wisdom will guide me through this with care and caution and that we will do whatever ultimately is best for baby. I feel thrilled at the thought of going to bed with our newborn babe, with all the beauty and triumph and energy of its arrival in our lives and knowing that we are home - all of us. I do feel truly blessed that Canada has begun to recognize midwifery and that I am able to take advantage of this option and I am trying to breathe through all the fears I have surrounding this birth. I am trying to believe in myself and my ability to birth this baby as women have done for millenia before me and to know that I possess a deep well of power that will support me, along with these people and my friends and loved ones and family and that we will have a beautiful, challenging, incredible birth experience. I know that it is a powerful and dynamic thing and we will see how the river flows on the day, but I feel really empowered by this decision and I have every hope that all will be as it should.

I keep thinking of one little moment from yesterday, we were lagging behind the group, and as they shuffled away from a window they had all looked into before following the tour nurse I stepped up and saw a tiny, tiny little baby in a layette. It was small but good and pink, hooked up to many machines and monitors and it flailed its little feet, toes so tiny they were like little beads. It stretched out its infinitely small hand, flexed its slivery fingers and touched its lips, as if blowing a tiny kiss. It caught my breath in my throat - does even now - as I thought to myself that it was likely the very same size that our baby is inside me right now. I imagined it had sent a kiss through this little soul to us, to me - saying "don't worry, we'll be just fine".

32 weeks - why can't I sleep?

So, insomnia is the name of the game. I cannot remember when was the last time I slept through the whole night. Sometimes if I am lucky I can get back after the first trip to the washroom, but the second trip is killing me and so I am usually up now from 4 until 7 every night, which sucks, although it would certainly be worse if I had a regular 9-5 kind of gig. Otherwise, that's really not such a horrible thing, I do my crossword puzzles and work on my vocabulary and my thank-you and tell-the-universe-what-I-want lists, you know, the usual. The last three nights though I have experienced my first Braxton-Hicks 'practice' contractions, as one book calls them. The first time it happened I thought I had dreamt it, but by the third night I realized what it actually was. I could literally feel the outlines of my uterus as it scrunched itself up, flexing for a a few seconds before relaxing. It's a very strange feeling, although I'm also glad to have a teensy preview of what is to come. I have been feeling quite different these last few days, even had to take a bit of a powder during yoga this weekend as I just felt dizzy and tired. It was good for me to see that though and to give myself permission not to be the yoga queen, not to push myself. Same thing today when I went for my walk through the woods to the library - once I got there I was feeling so strange, and sort of weak that I actually phoned EZ pick me up. I had more to eat when I got home and felt better, but all day today I have felt a lot of pressure, more than I ever had before. I don't feel worried about it, but I did notice a difference - glad to have the midwife coming tomorrow so I can ask the questions I've been saving up this last month, including the myriad questions I have as I lean further and further towards a home water birth. It brings up so many feelings: fear, excitement, joy, everything, just thinking that it won't be too long before we meet our baby, it is a tremendous thing that I can scarcely comprehend. We are planning and settling, deciding, enjoying our last few weeks together...before it all changes.

I spend lots of time just sitting in the baby's room (I added stars and mirrors, as you can see), looking into that space in the crib where in the next 10-odd weeks this little one will lie and I will be able to stare at them for hours, marveling at the wonder of it all. Mom has made her plans to come out in May, Pat and Lolita in April and supposedly, my brother is coming too - hopefully with Jenn and Brody - just another bonus of having a baby - visits from family and friends!

31 weeks -part II - more presents for baby

Just had to put a picture up of baby's growing bounty - Aunt Fifi was over with scads of presents, including the cutest, softest little fuzzy onesie suit for winter - with a little polar bear head that is perfect for the Yukon Baby - squish! (not to mention a beautiful OM necklace from India for mommy {real rubies or real Indian rubies? - Real Rubies!!} Lucky us!

31 weeks - could this go any faster?

So here we are facing down single digit remaining weeks. it is absolutely crazy, how fast his seems to have gone by. Even though 2 months is still a lot of time, all things considered, it's barely any time in the grand scheme of things (I remind you of the super-8 videos when Ez came home from the hospital in his mother's arms...) I relish every night, especially 9:30 pm to 10:30 pm which is baby's 'witching hour'. Like clockwork, baby starts their little aerobics session and moves all over and shows off - I call it 'The Baby Show' and we watch religiously. Lately it has been wonderful as full body movements are easier to see and yesterday I was standing in front of the mirror just marvelling at how much my body has expanded and rounded and I saw that little foot move from near my belly button over to the side of my waist where it poked out for a few seconds before disappearing. What a completely addictive experience - I cannot get enough of it! Sometimes I literally dream of their tiny hands and feet, fingers and toes. A few nights ago Ez even discovered that he is able to hear the baby's heartbeat loud and clear through my belly, particularly if it is kind enough to present its back, which it does often during the witching hour. I'm just trying to really live in the moment of these last weeks, relishing the experience of this first time after which nothing will ever be the same.

I've been loving my yoga at Yogapod, it's wonderful to see all the moms and all the different bellies, and I love the yoga and the breathing through things and the vocal toning, I really feel like I am concentrating on what I will need to carry me through this birth. Now the birth is a whole other story on its own, as I still don't yet know where we will deliver. I have been leaning more and more towards a home waterbirth, which is what I have always dreamed of and I hope I will have the courage to do it. We are still going to do the hospital tour next week so I can see what I think of the facilities there, but I suspect my desire for the waterbirth will outstrip that. I will obviously be talking a lot with the midwives on this subject. I went swimming in the pool today for fun, just to see how the water helped my body feel and it really does support you so much better, every position is vastly more easy to achieve. That will be interesting to see....