Yule never believe I did Xmas...

... and I kinda liked it.

It's strange to be really doing the whole Christmas thing, but I found I couldn't resist - I really wanted to get her a mound of treats for she is such a good little girl.

We read so much she needed books and pjs and things like that and that was a lot of the gifts, but it was wonderful to see her ripping open the multicoloured packages and see her mouth literally drop when she saw some of the things. I really see how you don't know giving til you give to your child. I felt unabashed joy at watching her get so many treats, to delight her as much as she delights us.

I read something the other night in one of my insomniac plagues (I've been up since 1:20 this morning already - bah!) in The Atlantic, an article about the chemical nature of happiness and the brain etc., and one of the passages really disturbed me and I've been thinking of it for days. In its arguement about the mysterious nature of happiness the author showed that studies have shown that while people say that having children brings them their greatest joys, when you test people during parenting they most often respond as 'unhappy'. His assertion is that children don't really make us happy at all, and I cannot imagine that to be true. I know that this is the 'easy' time, when she doesn't talk back, is little trouble, not yet a mind of her own. I know there will be challenges ahead that will make me respond as 'unhappy'. But to fathom that this person will at any point not give me the greatest joy I have ever known, the most pride and the greatest sense of family I have ever had is near impossible for me. Today we gave Nahanni some gifts, but she is literally my gift everyday. If I learned nothing else in 'Statistics and Methodolgy' I did learn that you shouldn't believe every study. I live its opposing theory every day.

Happy Holidays.

December, schmember

I was just commenting to Ez last night that I was tired of how things have gone this year and I'll just be glad to get the year over with and start anew. And in that moment I had a flash of deja vu - because I am certain that I said the exact same thing around this time last year. And frankly, that just makes me angry. I'm feeling a lot of angry lately, and a lot of frustration and general malaise. This birthday has become hard...it came in like a lamb but went out like a lion. Hell, I don't even want to talk about it, it makes me that exasperated. All I know is that I am sick and tired of wishing for the year to end so I could start fresh. I keep wondering when this whole mess that has become me will straighten out and we'll catch a break. It's been far too long, my friends, far too long.

Of course, there are the obvious ways in which I can give thanks and feel completely horrible and ridiculous to complain about my lot in life. But still, I want my old life back in so many ways - I want to be successful again and I'm so sick of banging against locked doors. I'm sick of kicking myself over decisions I made to the best of my ability and sick of torturing myelf over them. I'm sick of the whole damned thing.

Mercifully, I have a child who continues to light my days. At 'singing class' last week one of the grandmothers whose little boy I find irresistibly adorable began to talk to me about how she watches her grandson three days a week while her daughter-in-law and son work. She looked at me and said 'I was always working too, never had time for swimming or playing and I am so regretful now'. The look of woe on her face stills my heart even now and I feel blessed that even though this time has been absolute sh*t for my career, I know that I am serving my child in an immeasurable way. It's hard sometimes, to recognize that, but I know in my heart that it is true.

And inevitably, in some form (surely unimaginable to me) the pendulum will swing again and we will get a little time in the sun. I only hope it isn't to long, as we are feling a bit buried beneath it all.