The Return

Well.

Well, well, well.  Here I am again after a profound absence from blogging.  There have been numerous factors which have kept me away from here, a place which was sacred and sentimental, an outlet and a forum.  Foremost among those was a serious security concern which forced me to slam shut the doors of my online life like a the jaws of a great white on a seal pup.  Frankly, I was a little terrified - here was my heart and my soul - literally - the stories of the ups and downs of my life, my motherhood, myself.  I was faced with whether I wanted to continue to open up this fragile corner of my life, to reveal it to anyone, let alone the world.  As a 'personality' with a public profile that waxes and wanes, I face certain challenges to privacy and sanity that others in the blogosphere may not face, and when that side reared its ugly head I ran fast and furious in the other direction and haven't been back since.

Until now.

I found myself feeling invaded, I felt like I had made myself, my family vulnerable by my honesty and I closed up shop.  I missed this special space, I missed the opportunity to pour out the woes and wonder of motherhood and all that it brings and  I felt as if it had been stolen from me.  For the longest time I was unwilling to open the maw again, I felt bruised and scared and I questioned whether I had done something stupid in opening my heart so publicly.  The answer is neither here nor there, it is both right and wrong, a classic example of gray.  But at its base, I realized that I could not let one person steal from me something that I had built and nourished and cherished.  And of all the things which can be taken from you in the business I am in, my words were something which were my own and no one could or should be able to silence them.

I am dipping my toe in this water again, testing it out for salinity, for sanity, for sanctity.  I am trying to trust that what I have to say is more important than one person (or many) who seek to wound me because of some slight, real or imagined.  I decided that this is my story, the story of my children and my life and I will not be silenced by one person or many; I will only be silenced by myself.

And I choose to speak.